But I Want to Be Remembered!

Life has yet again pulled me in a different direction.  I came to Guatemala following my heart & loved my six weeks at the Mystical Yoga Farm.  You see, I had planned to stay there for six months but had no attachments to that plan.  My intuition has brought me a 30-minute boat ride away to a magical, tiny town called San Marcos (Atitlan). 

My last  two weeks in this town of 2,500 people have been incredibly eye-opening.  I won´t bore you with too much detail just yet.  I´m taking the Moon Course at a place called Las Pyramides, one of the coolest places I´ve ever been, hands down. 

Sitting in self-reflection and deep meditation one night in my little cabin, I came upon a thought that put this entire journey into perspective.  It´s what initially pulled me away from my life in the states, and now my heart felt that I was ready to understand it.  As you read the rest of this post, I only ask that you stay open to what I´m about to share.  Two months ago, I would have thought this point of view was self-defeating, useless, and insane.  I feel honored to be able to share it with you.  

When I left LA back in August, I wasn´t really sure why I was leaving, but I trusted my incredible intuition and went wherever it asked me to go.  Sometimes a reason is not provided for you, mostly because you´re not yet ready to comprehend it.  And then at one point in your journey it´s revealed to you, and it all makes sense.  An epiphany, really. 

In LA, I was frustrated with where my life was going because my heart was going in one direction, and I was unknowingly ignoring it and running in the opposite direction.  And one night I finally stopped resisting my heart´s pleas, sat down, and listened to what it had to say.  But unlike most people who treat their hearts like little children, I said to hell with fear and sacrifice and totally changed the direction I was heading.  I stopped running and began to walk, taking in everything around me, being patient and present, trusting that I was in good hands.  I put my entire career on hold (not knowing if I´d ever come back to it), got on a plane, and found myself alone in a foreign country, not exactly sure why I had come there in the first place. 

The message I had been given was ´step outside of yourself and be of service to others.´ Although the message was rather vague, I felt at peace knowing that my heart was choosing the places I would be going.  But little did I know my whole perspective on life would be forever changed. 

I´ve immersed myself in the polar opposite of the type of life that I was living in the states.  I wake up every morning at 6am, meditate, practice yoga, and be of service to the earth and others.  It´s a way of life based heavily on spirituality and self-reflection.  The material world has completely disappeared around me- no car, no career, no phone, no computer, no NOTHING, right?!

My good friend in LA asked me a month ago if it was possible to come back to LA and pursue my acting career, yet continue living with the principles I have learned so far on this journey.  In other words, how would I find that spiritual/material balance in the acting world?  At that time, I told him I had no idea.  I honestly didn´t think I could go back to acting after living in such bliss and clarity in Guatemala.

But creativity and my love for the arts is still alive and burning inside of me.  I can´t deny that I really miss it. 'I don´t want to look back 30 years from now and regret sacrificing my passion and gifts,' is a thought that has often crossed my  mind these last two months. I felt I was being led down a path that would eventually ask me to do just that.  Part of me felt that I was giving up too much, while the other part of me was convinced it was the right path. 

And then two nights ago everything changed, as the universe offered me a deal I could not refuse.
It was the perfect balance to the imbalance and resentment that was rapidly building up inside of me.  And I suddenly realized why I had left LA in the first place.

My ultimate goal in LA was to be the top film actor/producer in the biz.  Quite a goal, huh?  I recited this goal with conviction every morning and did everything in my power to get me closer to it.  Every rejection, every ounce of resistance made me want it even more.  I was convinced that I was after it for the right reasons.  ´When I have that type of clout, I can do projects that will move, educate, and bring great awareness to others.  I can even start my own charitable foundation because I will have money,´ I thought to myself. But underneath all that wonderful clarity and charity was one hell of an ugly monster- Desire.  And not just any desire, but the basic human desire to feel important.  ´I want to be remembered damnit!,' my ego would scream in my ear.

You see, as much as I wanted to do good in this world, my vision was obscured by my selfish, natural desires.  I wanted the world to know who I was.  I wanted to be awarded for my hard work, talents, and contributions.  I wanted validation and love and purpose!!!  I needed it!  But my heart knew better.  It knew I was headed down a dangerous road.  A road the majority of us feel we must follow.  But there´s another road that will bring us much more peace, joy, and happiness.  It´s a road that lacks resistance and suffering, free of the ego´s decadent needs and desires.  It´s called the 'Road of Selfless Service.'

My heart wasn't asking me to give up my passions and creativity.  It was simply trying to free me from my pain. 

A Course in Miracles says 'Have no regret on giving up the pleasures of the world.  Is it a sacrifice to give up pain?'

This pain is not a physical pain but rather a subconscious one.  It´s the pain at the center of our lack of self worth, unhappiness, and constant stress and worry.  Our need to have purpose in this world and feel important is the root of this pain.  Some people call it ambition or desire.  But those are just buttery words used to conceal this ultimate need for importance/worth.  Believe me, this is not easy to fully understand the first time you hear it.  Let me put it into context. 

The corporate world is the perfect example.  Most people are attracted to it for 3 reasons: money, validation, or power.  Can we agree that the root of all 3 is the feeling of importance?  How many people do you know in the corporate world who absolutely love what they are doing?  Maybe 1%, maybe, at best.  Most of my performer friends are saying, 'Well yeah, that's exactly why I ran the other way.  I didn't want that.'  Well, let's go ahead and dissect the artistic world.  Believe it or not, it's an even clearer example. 

My professional performer friends, please answer these questions honestly.  Do you want to be a household name?  Do you want to be on Broadway or have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?  Do you want to win a Tony, Oscar, or Grammy?  Do you want to prove all your doubters wrong?  Do you want to be remembered and revered for your work?  Do you want to be known as the very best in your field?  If you answered 'no' to all of these questions, then you are the very rare exception.  Notice that all of these desires are once again tied to the feeling of importance.

Here´s another question for you.  Would you continue doing what you´re doing in life if you knew your work would never be recognized or complimented, but would bring incredible awareness, love, and peace to everyone and everything that came into contact with it?  In other words, would you anonymously share your gifts and talents to really make a difference in this world?  (Imagine walking into a job interview or audition with that perspective- think of the huge rock that would be lifted from your shoulders).  You might be asking, 'Well, then what´s the point of living? And where would I find my motivation or inspiration?'  Consider this statement:  Our purpose in life is not about us at all, but rather about everything within us and around us. 

When you can honestly answer the last question with a 'yes,' you will experience the greatest freedom you have ever felt, and the inspiration will be flooding into your life.  Letting go of individual desire will allow you to experience so much abundance, joy, and peace in your life.  Using your talents and passions to provide selfless service to the universe. 

As a performer this means choosing or creating projects that will actually make a difference in people's lives, even if it means never being a film star or getting that coveted award or recognition.  As a doctor/nurse- providing your services to people around the world who really need your help, even if the financial gains are minimal.  You get the idea. 

'All pleasures and desires of the world mean nothing.'   Tao te Ching

Imagine a world where people embraced forgiveness, gratitude, and unconditional love, instead of money, power, and recognition.  We are all capable of greatness if we step into our light.  If you're stuck doing a job only for the money, you are running away from your true potential.  If you're experiencing resistance, frustration, and unhappiness, you are keeping yourself in a prison cell that has a wide open door.  Once you release yourself from this universal pain and ask the universe, 'How can I use the gifts you have given me to be of selfless service to the beautiful world around me?, all you will have to do is listen.  Your heart will guide you every step of the way and provide you with everything you will need (including money).  All you have to do is trust.

Only you can lead yourself into your light.  Only you can unlock your greatness.  And when you do, you will positively affect so many lives, live into your ultimate purpose, and leave an incredible mark on this world that you never dreamed possible... even if no one remembers you.