Rubbing the Dust Off My Caked Eyes

As I sit in the bedroom of my two-story tree house in San Maros La Laguna, dodging mosquito after mosquito, staring at huge clumps of daddy long legs on my walls, and spotting a stealthy scorpion slithering its tired body across the foot of my bed, I am grateful.

As I listen to the seemingly endless, amplified singing (more like torturous howling) from the Christian church down the street blasting through my paper thin, wooden windows, I am grateful.

As my kitten Shiva uses relentless meowing and constant tapping of my pen with her small head to desperately capture my attention, I am grateful.

As it sinks in that I won´t be able to see my family and friends for another year, take a hot shower, or go one night without wearing three layers, a hoodie, and winter gloves to bed, hoping that I might miraculously wake up just ONE time without some sort of bug bite, I am eternally grateful.

I just killed another mosquito and apologized to it as I gently brushed its lifeless body to the floor.  ¨"All life is precious, no matter how small or deceptively insignificant," I think to myself.  The other day I asked one of the long vines on my patio if it wouldn´t mind me moving it out of the way a few inches.  ¨"Who are you?? And what have you done with Korken," I jokingly ask myself.  I look in the mirror to make sure it´s still me, and sure enough, it is.  But as I stare at the the long , curly-haired, big-eyed face smiling back at me, I realize that I´m not at all the same.

Tears begin filling my eyelids, yet I can´t tell whether they´re tears of joy or sadness.  I haven´t seen my mother´s face in 4 months.  My 30th birthday is a few short days away, and I have no plans.  I shit in a dark hole everyday.  I take the coldest showers of my life.  I scoop ants out of my peanut butter and then help myself to two delicious spoonfuls.  I don´t leave my house after 6 pm because it´s dark, take care of four cats, sleep at 9pm, and my excitement over raw, goat cheese can last weeks!  My idea of ultimate pleasure is two scoops of pistachio ice cream every Saturday and I don´t even eat on Sundays because fasting is now so important to me... this ´man in the mirror.´

I´m training to become a holistic healer, yoga instructor, and massage therapist.  "Who are you?!!" I yell at the mysterious figure in the mirror.  It looks back at me, its eyes filled with compassion, unconditional love, and understanding.  The tears keep rolling down my face as I realize how much my life has changed... how much I have changed.  And suddenly it all becomes so clear to me, it all makes sense... these are tears of joy.

Amidst all the challenges, I am happy and following an unknown path most of us are too reluctant to take.  "What if I hadn´t listened to that little voice in my heart in July," I thought.  What if?  I began hysterically laughing as it hit me that I had created all this myself.  Through a simple thought and action, I had manifested all of it.  And everyday I was recreating who I was, throwing away all my ideas of who I thought I was and who I was yesterday.  I can be anything.  I am everything, yet nothing at the same time.  My reflection laughed back at me, relieved that I finally understood.

I have been pretty quiet on this site the last two months, mostly because I was experiencing one revelation after another and feeling reluctant to share it with the world just yet.  When your thought system is completely turned on its head, your first instinct is to tell the world about it.  But each time I sat down to write, my intuition warned me that it was too premature--that it would come across as preaching, because I was too excited about it ( I hadn´t yet allowed it to all sink in).   This was my experience, and if I´ll learned anything these last 4 months, it´s that we all need to have our own experiences to truly allow a shift in our perceptions.  I´d love to be the bridge to that experience for you, if you so choose to cross it.

But rather than explaining each concept in laborious detail, I´d like to provide a simple introduction and then suggest more sources if you choose to further explore the topic.  I don´t expect you to eat it up or even believe it.  Like I said, you can either cross the Bridge of Curiosity and find out for yourself or you can turn and walk the other way.  Many of these concepts you may have already heard of, but I will present them through my own experience.  Consider this part 1 of this continuous dialogue.  Without further ado...

We create our own reality.  Every single thing we experience, every single person that comes into our lives, is of our own creation.  Nothing is done to us.  It all begins with a single thought, turns into words, and finally ends in action.  But most of the time all it takes is a simple thought to manifest our experiences.

Every morning I wake up and literally ´create´my day.  It´s actually very simple, once you get a hang of it.  I focus on peace, pleasure, gratitude, forgiveness, and love.  Of course, just like anyone else, I experience fear, judgment, and desire.  But I´ve trained my mind to detach from these thoughts before they can have any hand in my creation.  They are merely bumps in the road now, rather than the 50-mile, treacherous dark road they used to be.  I seldom encounter conflict and live a very relaxed, peaceful life.  'How can I do this?!' You may be asking.  For me, there are 3 very simple steps, which are not so simple when you first try them.

1)  See the love and beauty in the seemingly detestable.  Train yourself to see the 'good' in everyone around you and in every situation.  This is where the concept 'we are one' comes in.  By judging or attacking your brother, you are attacking & judging yourself.  By not giving to another, you are denying yourself. 

2)  Forgive everyone and everything, especially yourself.  But I´m not talking only about past transgressions.  I´m mostly talking about forgiving something or someone in the very moment the transgression takes place.  This is sort of like shifting your perception in the moment.  For example, I had just bought a delicious bottle of grape juice this morning and as I was walking to the dock to get on the boat, a small boy asked me for a sip of my juice.  Without thinking, I handed him the bottle, and he placed his mouth over the opening and took three big gulps.  He handed the bottle back to me and graciously thanked me.  But he also had 4 friends who quickly ran over and asked for sips of my grape juice.   I couldn´t say no, so I handed them the bottle.  While they were passing it from one boy to the other, a little voice told me to let it go, to give it to them.  Instead of perceiving the grape juice being taken from me, I instead chose to see it as a wonderful gift from me to these boys.  You see, I was actually gaining more energy & love from the giving of it, as opposed to the drinking of it.  I forgave them for wanting my grape juice, rather than feeling like they need to go and buy their own. 

3)  Live in the present.  Forget what happened yesterday or even a minute ago.  The worst thing we can do to ourselves is worry about the past or the future.  The past is over and we have the power to create the future, and by worrying you are only creating exactly that situation in your future and losing out on the magnificence the present has to offer.  When I start worrying or feeling bad about a past experience, I simply find something in the present that can steal my attention away, like my cats, a tree, people walking around, the smell in the air, what it feels like to touch a certain fabric or plant, etc.  If you are trying to sleep and worrying, then the best thing to do is focus on your breath, just like in meditation.  Count each inhale and exhale and try to take deep breaths.  Soon you will be fast asleep or relaxed enough that you can detach yourself from these thoughts.

If you want to learn more about these concepts I suggest these two books.  'A Return to Love' by Marianne Williamson and 'The Power of Now´ by Eckhart Tolle.  And if you want to go even beyond these concepts, there is a great book called 'Conversations with God' by Neale Donald Walsch, which will blow your mind!

So going back to creating your own reality... I had a friend here who seemed to have a new obstacle everyday.  Someone was always wronging her, or asking too much of her, or not being honest  and open with her.  These constant negative thoughts of judgment and fear kept her in a very low vibration, which created so much conflict in her life and allowed her to experience the world exactly the way she saw it.  She not only thought these thoughts but she constantly talked about them, as well, which made it even more difficult for her to create any peace in her life.

Two weeks ago a man attacked her on a dark street and beat her up pretty badly.  She didn´t leave her house for several days, and when she finally did ALL she talked about was the attack and focused solely on her victim hood.  I wish I could have told her that it was in fact SHE who attacked herself in a subconscious attempt to bring some clarity into her life.  But I don´t think she was ready to hear that or, frankly, even wanted to.  Every person that comes into our life has a purpose, carries a lesson for us.  There are no coincidences.  Once we can embrace this concept, we can transform our lives.

Now I´m going to get a bit radical for most people´s tastes.  But I´ve been asked to present this material nonetheless.  It is very near and dear to my heart.

Here´s a thought that might upset some of you.  Your diseases, disorders, sicknesses, and ailments are a physical result of your mental and emotional imbalances.  In other words, we create our own dis-eases through our thoughts and feelings-- from a simple cold to cancer, depression, or HIV.  You can heal yourself completely without pills, without dangerous treatments like chemotherapy, without suffering.  Through proper nutrition and by finding the mental/emotional root of your ailments, you can completely cure yourself.

Go back to when you first got this dis-ease and ask yourself what was happening in your life at the time.  Who did you have conflict with?  Were you stressed out?  Were you taking care of yourself?  What was your mental/emotional state like?  Which negative thoughts and emotions were you having about yourself, about your life, about those closest to you?  Perhaps you are still harboring these emotions and memories of the past.  They are the keys to your freedom.  By healing them, you will in turn heal your body.

There´s an incredible book by Caroline Myss called 'Anatomy of the Spirit', which beautifully explains all of this in much more detail.  Another amazing book that I recommend on this subject is ´Darkside of the Light Chasers' by Debbie Ford, which I will mention again later.

After reading these two books and seeing people with debilitating diseases, like cancer and AIDS, cure themselves with my own eyes, I am inspired and passionate about helping others find that truth and healing.
Modern, western medicine helps to suppress the symptoms of disease, while natural medicine actually cures the cause.  Right now, there are actually a handful of cures for cancer and HIV floating around all over the world.  They are extremely low-costing treatments that certain people are paying a lot of money to keep them from reaching the eyes and ears of the general public.  This comes as no surprise when you see that cancer and AIDS are the biggest contributors to pharmaceutical and medical profit in the U.S. and many other countries.  Finding a cure would be a devastating blow to the financial surplus of these institutions.

Look up vitamin B17 or MMS to see what I mean.  B17 can be found in apricot kernels.  Yes, you can cure cancer by chewing on apricot kernels.  Think about what that idea would do to companies that make billions, if not trillions, of dollars every year on cancer ´treatment´.  MMS has been banned in Canada without any proper reason other than ´research´shows it can be extremely harmful to us.  I´ve used it in Guatemala a number of times to kill parasites in my body and have yet to feel any negative side effects.  It´s time to educate ourselves and stop believing everything our leaders and government tell us is true.  Let us think for ourselves and base our truth off our own experiences and not solely the experience of others.

For years we´ve been told that milk does a body good, that margarine is 10x better for you than butter, that processed foods, such as bleached flour, refined sugar, and chemically grown fruits and vegetables, won´t harm us.  But here is the ugly truth-- milk (pasteurized and homogenized, not raw) actually wreaks havoc on our digestive systems and offers minimal nutritional value (we can´t even really absorb the calcium that is supposedly so important for our bones).  Margarine and other processed vegetable oils are many times worse for our bodies than butter, and processed flour and sugar are about the worst things you can eat, because they offer no nutritional value and have lost all of their digestive enzymes, which means organs, like your enzyme-producing pancreas, over time become so overworked that they eventually lose their value and lead to diseases like cancer.

Why is heart disease and cancer the leading causes of death in the U.S. and pretty much no where else in the world?  Why are a huge % of children under 12 contracting diabetes at such a young age?  Why is the FDA not telling the American people that these foods are terrible for us and our children?  Simple.  The FDA is run by people who used to work for the dairy and food processing industries, the biggest and most profitable institutions in the US, and not surprisingly the most powerful.  University research that supports the eating of homogenized milk and processed foods is directly funded by these institutions, and most of our politicians and media are, as well.  'FDA aproved' is not a promised stamp of good quality but rather a meaningless formality that pretends to protect us and feed the pockets of those who can care less about the state of health in the world.

I´m not trying to focus on the problem here, believe me.  But it´s important that we understand all this if a solution is to be found.  But please, don´t take my word for it.  Do your own research.  There are plenty of people out there talking about this to deaf ears.  Buddha once said, 'Most of humanity have eyes that are so caked shut with the dust of deception, they will never see the truth, no matter who tries to help them.'  This goes back to thinking for ourselves.  Unfortunately, most of us would rather have someone else do the thinking and just simply tell us what to do.

If you are indeed a ´thinker for yourselfer' I highly suggest the books of Daniel Reed, most notably 'The Tao of Health, Sex, and Longevity.´ We can´t blame the government or the FDA or even these greedy institutions for our problems.  We are free to make our own choices and educate ourselves.  Did you know that while the European Union (EU) continues to ban or require labeling on foods that are subjected to irradiation and genetic modification, the US still thinks a ban is not necessary?  This is because people in EU are likely to go and burn the crops of a farmer who genetically modifies his crops.  They won´t tolerate it!  We need that same kind of passion and love for our health if we hope to change things in the US.  The first step is knowledge and the second step is spreading the knowledge.  Nobody is forcing us to buy these products and feed them to ourselves and family.

There are many other topics I want to cover, but this last one has been my biggest teacher the last 4 months.  The easiest way we can bring more love, peace, and joy into our lives is by taking note of how we judge others.  You might be thinking, ´How do these two things have any kind of connection?´ Here´s the big shocker courtesy of Debbie Ford (´Dark side of the Light Chasers´)- ´What we see/judge in others is simply a reflection of how we see ourselves.'  Here´s an example.

I have this girl who comes and cleans my house.  She´s a nice girl but lacks any common sense!  She uses my hand towel to clean the floors, dumps the dirty water down my kitchen sink and clogs it, demands that I pay her before she even works, is dishonest, and does a half-assed job at best.  These were my judgments of her.

I returned home one night a few weeks ago, to find both my clean hand towels, wet and dirty on the floor, my sink clogged yet again (no water was going down at all), and she left me a note asking me for money that I had already given her.  This pissed me off so badly, I can´t even tell you.  I was irate!  And it takes a lot to make me irate.  I spent the rest of the night thinking about how I could fire the girl that was hired by the lady I was subletting from.  Obviously that wasn´t an option, and every attempt at unclogging my sink miserably failed.

I got no sleep that night and decided to write her a nasty letter ( in my broken Spanish) telling her off.  'Why can´t I find a god damn plunger in this fuckin´city?!! I screamed to myself.  I couldn´t possibly understand how I had brought this into my life.  So I used Ms. Ford´s advice and wrote down all of my judgments about this evil, Guatemalan maid.  She´s dishonest, stupid, irrational, does a half-assed job, doesn´t listen to me, is demanding, and sucks at her job.  If we are each other´s mirrors and are supposed to get our own judgments about ourselves reflected back to us by others, then I was at a loss for words.  'I am none of those things!' I scowled in anger.  I don´t see myself that way at all.

And then one-by-one I started remembering a time when someone called me dishonest, stupid, and irrational.  Or when I thought that about myself.  I have made it a point to never be those things, because someone once made me feel bad about it, or I scolded myself with those exact adjectives.  Of course I could be dishonest, do a half-assed job, or be demanding.  These were all judgments that I had about myself subconsciously that I strive so hard to not be.  And now it was all being reflected back at me.

So I admitted to it.  I could be all these things and have been many times in my life.  I forgave her and myself and accepted this dark side of me.  Not only accepted it, I embraced the shit out of it because I knew it was the only way to heal this part of me.  ´Thank you, cleaning girl!´ I thought.  And I kid you not, at that very instant a thought popped into my head.  ´Why not try using the top of a glass jar to imitate the use of a plunger?´ That's the stupidest idea EVER!  It will never work, I thought.  But I was desperate at this point, so I went downstairs and gave it a try.  In less than a minute, my sink was unclogged and I had the cheesiest, most ridiculous smile on my face.  By embracing, accepting, and loving the shadow side of me, I no longer needed the mirror.

And now my cleaning lady, Ester, leaves me flowers and bananas, doesn´t use my hand towels to clean the floor, and never clogs my sink.  She´s actually a very smart, humble, and lovely person.  Who would have thought?!                      

But I Want to Be Remembered!

Life has yet again pulled me in a different direction.  I came to Guatemala following my heart & loved my six weeks at the Mystical Yoga Farm.  You see, I had planned to stay there for six months but had no attachments to that plan.  My intuition has brought me a 30-minute boat ride away to a magical, tiny town called San Marcos (Atitlan). 

My last  two weeks in this town of 2,500 people have been incredibly eye-opening.  I won´t bore you with too much detail just yet.  I´m taking the Moon Course at a place called Las Pyramides, one of the coolest places I´ve ever been, hands down. 

Sitting in self-reflection and deep meditation one night in my little cabin, I came upon a thought that put this entire journey into perspective.  It´s what initially pulled me away from my life in the states, and now my heart felt that I was ready to understand it.  As you read the rest of this post, I only ask that you stay open to what I´m about to share.  Two months ago, I would have thought this point of view was self-defeating, useless, and insane.  I feel honored to be able to share it with you.  

When I left LA back in August, I wasn´t really sure why I was leaving, but I trusted my incredible intuition and went wherever it asked me to go.  Sometimes a reason is not provided for you, mostly because you´re not yet ready to comprehend it.  And then at one point in your journey it´s revealed to you, and it all makes sense.  An epiphany, really. 

In LA, I was frustrated with where my life was going because my heart was going in one direction, and I was unknowingly ignoring it and running in the opposite direction.  And one night I finally stopped resisting my heart´s pleas, sat down, and listened to what it had to say.  But unlike most people who treat their hearts like little children, I said to hell with fear and sacrifice and totally changed the direction I was heading.  I stopped running and began to walk, taking in everything around me, being patient and present, trusting that I was in good hands.  I put my entire career on hold (not knowing if I´d ever come back to it), got on a plane, and found myself alone in a foreign country, not exactly sure why I had come there in the first place. 

The message I had been given was ´step outside of yourself and be of service to others.´ Although the message was rather vague, I felt at peace knowing that my heart was choosing the places I would be going.  But little did I know my whole perspective on life would be forever changed. 

I´ve immersed myself in the polar opposite of the type of life that I was living in the states.  I wake up every morning at 6am, meditate, practice yoga, and be of service to the earth and others.  It´s a way of life based heavily on spirituality and self-reflection.  The material world has completely disappeared around me- no car, no career, no phone, no computer, no NOTHING, right?!

My good friend in LA asked me a month ago if it was possible to come back to LA and pursue my acting career, yet continue living with the principles I have learned so far on this journey.  In other words, how would I find that spiritual/material balance in the acting world?  At that time, I told him I had no idea.  I honestly didn´t think I could go back to acting after living in such bliss and clarity in Guatemala.

But creativity and my love for the arts is still alive and burning inside of me.  I can´t deny that I really miss it. 'I don´t want to look back 30 years from now and regret sacrificing my passion and gifts,' is a thought that has often crossed my  mind these last two months. I felt I was being led down a path that would eventually ask me to do just that.  Part of me felt that I was giving up too much, while the other part of me was convinced it was the right path. 

And then two nights ago everything changed, as the universe offered me a deal I could not refuse.
It was the perfect balance to the imbalance and resentment that was rapidly building up inside of me.  And I suddenly realized why I had left LA in the first place.

My ultimate goal in LA was to be the top film actor/producer in the biz.  Quite a goal, huh?  I recited this goal with conviction every morning and did everything in my power to get me closer to it.  Every rejection, every ounce of resistance made me want it even more.  I was convinced that I was after it for the right reasons.  ´When I have that type of clout, I can do projects that will move, educate, and bring great awareness to others.  I can even start my own charitable foundation because I will have money,´ I thought to myself. But underneath all that wonderful clarity and charity was one hell of an ugly monster- Desire.  And not just any desire, but the basic human desire to feel important.  ´I want to be remembered damnit!,' my ego would scream in my ear.

You see, as much as I wanted to do good in this world, my vision was obscured by my selfish, natural desires.  I wanted the world to know who I was.  I wanted to be awarded for my hard work, talents, and contributions.  I wanted validation and love and purpose!!!  I needed it!  But my heart knew better.  It knew I was headed down a dangerous road.  A road the majority of us feel we must follow.  But there´s another road that will bring us much more peace, joy, and happiness.  It´s a road that lacks resistance and suffering, free of the ego´s decadent needs and desires.  It´s called the 'Road of Selfless Service.'

My heart wasn't asking me to give up my passions and creativity.  It was simply trying to free me from my pain. 

A Course in Miracles says 'Have no regret on giving up the pleasures of the world.  Is it a sacrifice to give up pain?'

This pain is not a physical pain but rather a subconscious one.  It´s the pain at the center of our lack of self worth, unhappiness, and constant stress and worry.  Our need to have purpose in this world and feel important is the root of this pain.  Some people call it ambition or desire.  But those are just buttery words used to conceal this ultimate need for importance/worth.  Believe me, this is not easy to fully understand the first time you hear it.  Let me put it into context. 

The corporate world is the perfect example.  Most people are attracted to it for 3 reasons: money, validation, or power.  Can we agree that the root of all 3 is the feeling of importance?  How many people do you know in the corporate world who absolutely love what they are doing?  Maybe 1%, maybe, at best.  Most of my performer friends are saying, 'Well yeah, that's exactly why I ran the other way.  I didn't want that.'  Well, let's go ahead and dissect the artistic world.  Believe it or not, it's an even clearer example. 

My professional performer friends, please answer these questions honestly.  Do you want to be a household name?  Do you want to be on Broadway or have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?  Do you want to win a Tony, Oscar, or Grammy?  Do you want to prove all your doubters wrong?  Do you want to be remembered and revered for your work?  Do you want to be known as the very best in your field?  If you answered 'no' to all of these questions, then you are the very rare exception.  Notice that all of these desires are once again tied to the feeling of importance.

Here´s another question for you.  Would you continue doing what you´re doing in life if you knew your work would never be recognized or complimented, but would bring incredible awareness, love, and peace to everyone and everything that came into contact with it?  In other words, would you anonymously share your gifts and talents to really make a difference in this world?  (Imagine walking into a job interview or audition with that perspective- think of the huge rock that would be lifted from your shoulders).  You might be asking, 'Well, then what´s the point of living? And where would I find my motivation or inspiration?'  Consider this statement:  Our purpose in life is not about us at all, but rather about everything within us and around us. 

When you can honestly answer the last question with a 'yes,' you will experience the greatest freedom you have ever felt, and the inspiration will be flooding into your life.  Letting go of individual desire will allow you to experience so much abundance, joy, and peace in your life.  Using your talents and passions to provide selfless service to the universe. 

As a performer this means choosing or creating projects that will actually make a difference in people's lives, even if it means never being a film star or getting that coveted award or recognition.  As a doctor/nurse- providing your services to people around the world who really need your help, even if the financial gains are minimal.  You get the idea. 

'All pleasures and desires of the world mean nothing.'   Tao te Ching

Imagine a world where people embraced forgiveness, gratitude, and unconditional love, instead of money, power, and recognition.  We are all capable of greatness if we step into our light.  If you're stuck doing a job only for the money, you are running away from your true potential.  If you're experiencing resistance, frustration, and unhappiness, you are keeping yourself in a prison cell that has a wide open door.  Once you release yourself from this universal pain and ask the universe, 'How can I use the gifts you have given me to be of selfless service to the beautiful world around me?, all you will have to do is listen.  Your heart will guide you every step of the way and provide you with everything you will need (including money).  All you have to do is trust.

Only you can lead yourself into your light.  Only you can unlock your greatness.  And when you do, you will positively affect so many lives, live into your ultimate purpose, and leave an incredible mark on this world that you never dreamed possible... even if no one remembers you. 

What the Cluck?

This entry begins with the 2nd story I promised you all.

What the Cluck?
Depending on how long you've known me, most of you know about my chicken clucking talents.  I've been refining and perfecting my clucking gift since middle school.  I've always wanted to live on a farm with chickens and cluck away with them night and day!  And I finally got my wish!  But let's not put the chicken before the egg here (bawk!)  This story is less about the chickens than it is about the bizarre event that led to fulfilling one of my childhood dreams.

Nick, Julia, Randi, (my bosom buddies on the farm), and I had a mission: Get some chickens to the farm!  We had heard that we could buy some in the neighboring town of Chakaya, the only town within walking distance to our farm.  Off we went, carrying a small cardboard box and a large straw bag, ecstatic about the idea of having our own chickens.

The trail to Chakaya is anything but flat, with its narrow, winding pathway, and rocky structure.  One misstep and you could find yourself rolling down a small hill and splashing into Lake Atitlan.  "How are we going to get these chickens back to the farm coming back?" I thought.  And in a cardboard box?!  What were we thinking?  But somehow, we all felt confident this would go very smoothly.

After the fifteen minute, semi-treacherous walk, we finally reached Chakaya.  And boy was I unimpressed.  The town has one dirt road that runs through its one-mile radius of one rundown building after another.  There are a few small convenience stores (if you even want to call them that), a make-shift  health clinic, a handful of churches (you gotta have those), and a couple food stands that help decorate the otherwise desperately barren ambience.  Stray dogs look at you with disdain, making you feel very unwelcome.  If it wasn't for the lake generously gracing this town with her presence, the locals would have probably left many years ago...or so I thought.  Little did I know that the real shocker was still a ten-minute 'hike-up-a-steep-hill' away.


As we made our way further and further into town, it was obvious that the locals were not used to having visitors that looked like us or really visitors period.

The looks on these people's faces were priceless- especially the little children!  I felt like a celebrity walking through their drubby, little town.  They couldn't stop smiling, and I couldn't stop waving to them!  One chubby-cheeked child after another waved back to me, their eyes glowing with curiosity, their faces carrying a smile that could melt all your troubles away.  The streets were strewn with trash, stray dogs and chickens were running a muck, dirt covered the faces, hands, and bare feet of these children, yet they still found a way to warmly welcome visitors to their town with their incredible smiles.

Shortly after, we found ourselves hiking up a steep hill, dodging empty coke bottles, candy wrappers, and random pieces of torn clothing with every step.  The trail was muddy, thanks to the merciless Guatemalan rain, and the smell of feces perfumed the air, making the already difficult climb even more unbearable.  A sudden "MOO" startled us all, as we found an enormous cow standing only a few feet away, hiding in the brush.  I felt an urge to go and pet it, but my LA conditioning quickly pulled me in the opposite direction, as I realized I had fallen behind the pack.  Quickening my pace, I caught up with the other three, who were already transfixed by what awaited us at the top of the hill.

One by one, little heads started popping out of every corner of this small community.  The news of our arrival had spread like wildfire and men, women, and children alike wanted to get a peek at the 4-piece circus that was coming through town.  Giggles and high-pitched 'Holas' greeted us with such warmth, creating a wonderful, mini symphony around us as we made it to the top of the hill.  It became quite evident that these people never got visitors, especially not ones that looked like us.  We felt like the Beatles in the 70s, making the performer in me want to burst out into song or give a big speech.  But as we finally made it to our destination, it was very clear that I was going to be the audience, witnessing a spectacle that could easily give Broadway's The Lion King a run for its money.

We were now right in front of the house where our soon-to-be chickens lived.  20-25 Guatemalans of all ages encircled us, curiosity draped over their dark, shining faces.  Children ran around with great excitement, their little faces, bare feet and hands decorated in dirt.  Chickens were everywhere- many different sizes and colors- pecking away at the cornmeal thrown all over the ground by the matriarch of the family.  The man of the house came out of his little, make-shift, rundown home and greeted us with a huge smile, revealing his many missing teeth, his big, bare belly lazily hanging over his tiny waist.  A shower was something completely elusive to him, as he looked about one week unbathed. His ragged, torn pants were barely able to cling to his waist, allowing his happy trail to lead to his enchanted forest below.  And in the midst of this chaos, another form of enchantment was taking place directly to our left.

At first all I saw was this bronze, full figure smiling at me, an abundance of peace, tranquility, and joy in her eyes.  There was a fascinating aura around her, as she was holding the peace amongst all the discord.
After these few captivating seconds, I was able to fully take in what was actually happening.  She had a rusty pail full of lake water propped on a tree stump beside her, an over-used sponge in one hand, and a bar of soap in the other.  The sun was glowing on her unashamed nudity, as she cupped each of her large breasts, gently lathering them with a coat of soap (This is not a romantic novel people!  But it is very important that I paint this picture for you with colorful detail).  Talk about living moment to moment.  This woman was totally unfazed by our presence and continued to go about her business, as if what she was doing was completely normal.  In fact, in that very moment, that word- normal -became rather insignificant.

So here we were, surrounded by screaming children, chickens, and even turkeys; being greeted by a toothless, disheveled patriarch in the middle of a community that made the 'projects' look like Bel Air.  We all suddenly remembered why we had come: chickens.  Nick, using his fine Spanish-speaking skills, began to barter with the woman feeding the chickens.  One-by-one chickens were snatched up by the family members and brought into a small circle surrounding this woman.  These were the chickens she was willing to part with.  Before we could even begin sizing them up, one of the teenage girls came running out of the house, grabbing one of the small chickens, holding it to her chest, and kissing the top of its head.  She hurried back into the house just as fast as she had come out.  As silly as it may have seemed to the others, I totally empathized with the girl.  "Chickens are lovely creatures, after all," I thought.

Most of the chickens the matriarch was selling were very young, but she insured us they would start laying eggs within six months.  We decided to buy 5 of them from her for 20 Quetzeles (about 3 dollars) a piece.  I couldn't believe it.  $3 for a live chicken!  Crazy.

Now we had to choose the five.  Three of them were an obvious chose, with their beautiful, colorful feathers.  I spotted a black one and was immediately drawn to it.  It wasn't inside this 'chicken circle' but I figured I'd grab it and ask the lady if we could buy it.  Little did I know, I would be chasing it for 5 minutes to no avail (please insert your own interpretation of how that may have looked here). What took the family members mere seconds to do, seemed almost impossible to me.  Needless to say, we didn't take 'Blackie' home, which kind of broke my heart.

We reluctantly had to choose the two remaining chickens who didn't have feathers covering their necks.  Nick thought they were ugly, and we collectively decided to call one of them Gandhi.  The other would later be named Cluck.  Neither of the two survived the coming weeks, but I will always remember little Cluck and Gandhi.

We put all five chickens in the large straw bag that we had brought, and they shockingly seemed comfortable, all huddled up next to one another.  I asked if I could carry them home and laid the bag over my shoulder, as we said our thank yous and good byes.  Our exit was just as exciting, with all the children running after us, flashing their big smiles and waving their tiny hands as we began making our way down the steep hill.

The journey back home was a quiet one.  The treacherous trail that brought us to Chakaya was not so treacherous on the way back, even with 5 chickens hanging over my shoulders.  You see, I began to realize how powerful my mind really was.  The experience in Chakaya had put me in a place that made me forget how 'dangerous' the trail actually was.  But was it really that dangerous or was that just my mind's point of view?  For the Guatemalans who took this trail every day to work, I'm sure it wasn't dangerous at all.  They probably saw it as a beautiful trail that allowed them to witness a breath-taking view of the lake every day.

I began to think about the people we met in Chakaya.

They had no televisions, toasters, central air, or cars.  Their homes were barely liveable, and their living conditions were difficult to comprehend by an outside pair of eyes. Their children didn't have many toys, and were running around in clothes that had probably been passed down many generations.  I'm not even sure the children received any kind of education.  In fact,  almost all of the adults had less than a third grade education.  But they let it all hang out (literally) and could care less about what we outsiders thought of them.

With one percent of the luxuries we have in the states, these people were happier than most Americans.  They lived their lives moment to moment and got by as best they could.  They didn't have much in terms of possessions, but they were living in abundance.  You could see it on all of their smiling, glowing faces.  They had each other and that was all they needed.  

Suffering is subjective: shedding my layers

Three weeks have passed since I arrived on the shores of Lake Atitlan.  Last night I was in San Pedro, a town close to the farm, and when I looked into the mirror at one of the hostels, I realized how much I had changed.  There was a calmness to my face, my hair wasn't perfectly in place, my eyes glowed with a sense of peace they had never before experienced, there was dirt under my fingernails as I gently brushed my hand against my oily complexion; there was a spring to my step, a lightness, I had no where to be but there, right there, in that moment, nothing else mattered.  I smiled to myself in the mirror.  The journey had only just begun, but I didn't exactly know who was looking back at me.

My eyes didn't recognize this person, this man.  The little boy inside of me laughed.  "It's you silly," he said.  "Your eyes might need more time to adjust, but your heart already knows this person."  I laughed back at my inner child, so young, yet so wise.  You brought me here, I thought.  I had shed so many layers so quickly, that it was hard to even recognize myself.  That night, as I laid my head gently onto my pillow, I began to think about all the people and events that had influenced this transformation.  At the heart of the transformation were the Guatemalan natives, always smiling, hard at work, enjoying each moment of their lives, never taking it for granted.   Suffering is subjective, I thought.  When I first arrived here, I looked at these people with pity and wondered how they dealt with this suffering.  But now I look up to them.  They're not suffering at all.  They're in total bliss.  Allow me to paint this picture for you.

The town of Santiago lacks the abundance, wealth, and convenience you would find in most US cities.  With it's unpaved, rocky roads and minimalistic architecture, the small town exhibits a mysterious charm, which can only be found well below its surface.  A small boat (lancha) drops you off at the main dock, where the lake water has risen so high that you can barely make it off the dock without getting your shoes a little wet.  10-15 boatmen of all ages usually greet you with a nod or "buenas dias" as you step off the dock and onto the muddy puddles covered in different types of debris.  As you begin to make your way up the steep hill to the city center, you realize that everyone knows you are a tourist and wants to sell you something.  In fact, almost everyone is a businessman/woman here in Santiago.  And their daily purpose everyday is to sell, sell, sell.

There's a man selling coconuts to your right,  two woman (probably mother and daughter) selling handmade jewelry, a young boy around 7 tugging at your pant leg, a huge smile across his face, carrying a big basket of nuts.  "Do you want some nuts?  They're the best," he tells you in Spanish.  Out of sheer pity you give him 5 quetzales (about $.75) for a small bag of nuts and continue your way up the 'road."  There are no traffic lights, no shopping centers, and definitely no McDonald's here.  A stray dog or two come running down the hill, as you are almost hit by a Tuc-Tuc (a three wheeled minicar and the only form of transportation), as it comes whizzing up the hill.  Sorry, but pedestrians don't have the right of way here.  In fact, no one really knows who has the right of way.

Small stores and fruit/vegetable stands flood the streets.  Everywhere you turn you see someone selling something or a hungry, stray dog wandering aimlessly around, hoping it can find enough food to get it through the day.  You see children running around barefoot, their faces and hands gently colored with dirt.  Everyday is 'bring your kids to work day.'  An old woman around 80 walks by you with a large bag of goods balancing on her head.  She's moving so slowly, yet she seems like she is flying somehow; her skin is a bright, sunburnt orange, and her face looks like it was crafted by a two-year old playing with play-do for the first time.

You find it hard to look into people's eyes, because they immediately think you want to buy something from them."Tomates...manzanas....queso...aguacates...patayas...." A cacophony of music fills your ears as they desperately try to bring you to their corner of the street market .  Most of them are sitting and have one or two items they specialize in.  Their faces light up as they see they have your attention; they smile at you with missing teeth, while the more fortunate ones sport shiny, golden veneers that look like they put-in themselves.   As you decide to buy a couple apples from the poor-looking, old woman with no teeth, a strong wind comes through and blows sand from the streets into your frightened eyes.  You can't see anything for a couple seconds as you help your eyes recover.  When you're finally able to open them again, you quickly grab an apple and find that most of them are pretty rotten.  A shrug of the shoulders and a pity smile help you get past the old lady and into the main market.

Finally!  You breathe a sigh of relief.  You can find everything you need here, you think.  The food must be fresher in here.  But as you make your way into the heart of the market, you are stunned to find that the cement floors are covered in dirt and many of the same people on the streets are in this so-called market.  Stray dogs are everywhere.  The "aisles" are so narrow that you can barely get passed anyone else with your bags, and you are constantly being rubbed up against by these filthy, soulless dogs who look to you desperately, pity engulfing their big, sad eyes.  

Flies are all over this market, zipping from one fruit to the other.  The butcher has his meats lined up, trying to shoo away these flies that are trying to get to his precious slabs of beef.  A woman puts out a large bowl with many different, raw chicken parts.  She grabs one of the chicken heads, delicately chops off the beak, and throws it into the bowl with the other 7 chicken heads.  She also has chicken feet, which is surprisingly very popular with the locals, bones and all.  The bowl is infested with flies, blood stains the counter she is cutting on, and the front of the counter is covered in blood stains from months ago.  The FDA would shut down this place in a second.  Actually, they wouldn't even come into this market.

But the people just go about their business.  This is all vey normal to them.  You begin to feel deep sorrow for these people and the way they have to live.  Part of you is very disgusted by everything around you.  You don't want to touch anything and wonder how you are possibly going to get some clean food to eat.  I'm in a third world country, you think to yourself.  THIS is what suffering is all about.    How lucky have I been all my life?!  I couldn't possibly live like this.  But as you continue to look around, you realize that not only is no one else fazed by this.... but they are actually smiling.  These poor, dirty people are happy.  You try to understand it, but your mind is not yet capable.

This was my experience the first time I went to Santiago.

Now that I've painted the picture for you, I'd like to tell you two stories that I will never forget.  These two events are a few of many that have helped change my perspective about suffering and happiness over the last few weeks.  The first story is below; the second one will start my next blog.

Precious Coconuts
On many occasions, I was asked to go into Santiago and buy fruits/vegetables for the farm.  Most of these eye-opening trips I took with Nick, one of the coolest people on the farm and a great friend.  He's been one of my biggest teachers.  Considering there are no grocery stores or shopping centers in Santiago, you basically have to go from store to store, stand to stand, until you find everything that you need (and most of the time you can't find everything... brown sugar in Santiago?  Forget it).    These trips usually took 5-6 hours beginning to end.  Crazy, I know.

So towards the end of our 5 hour shopping spree, we were tired and needed to just sit down and have a cold drink.  Luckily, a man close to us had a coconut stand!  Man, I love coconut water.  One of my favorite things to buy in the states were coconuts.  But this guy was a one-stop shop.  He actually cuts the coconut for you and gives you a straw.  Very cool, I thought.

As we get closer to the stand, I realize the man is not alone.  In fact, his entire family is there with him.  His wife comes out of this small hut behind the stand with his two little children, probably 3 and 6 respectively.  The children are not wearing shoes and their clothes look like they haven't been washed in a long time.  The man sits down on his chair, which is actually a large tree stump, and grabs his small boy and places him gently on his lap.  He smiles at us and asks us to pick out our coconut.  But I can't take my eyes off the boy, his eyes beaming with life and joy, the biggest smile I've ever seen beautifully decorating his small face.

Nick breaks me out of it and tells me to pick out a coconut.  They all look the same to me, I thought.  I pick one and hand it to the man.  Then he goes back to the hut and brings out two small plastic bins, turns them upside down and tells us to have a seat.  At first, I felt uncomfortable as I looked at his barefoot family standing, looking at us. Shouldn't they be sitting down?  They look more tired than I do. But he was so happy to have us there that I knew it would be rude not to take a seat.

Then he pulled out a machete (which almost every man carries, as most of them work on farms or in the forest).  He scraped the machete against the tree stump, and I couldn't help but notice that it was pretty tarnished and looked unsanitary.  Wait... he's going to cut MY coconut with THAT thing?  It's definitely not clean, I thought.  I looked at Nick to see if he was thinking the same thing, but he only looked on, eager to taste the sweet juice that awaited him.  Well, I guess this is okay, I thought.  After all, the knife wouldn't be touching the coconut water and I would be able to use a straw.

As he cut the tops off our coconuts, I looked down at my hands, and realized how dirty they were.  We had been running all over town, God only knows what I had been touching the last few hours.  I reminded myself that I get to use a straw, so no worries.

The kind man finished cutting our coconuts and as he began reaching for the straws, I saw that his hands were dirtier than mine.  Much dirtier;  his fingernails lovingly protecting a few layers of dirt.  As he touched the top of my straw, my heart & stomach sank.  I was going to have to put my lips around the part of the straw that his thick, filthy fingers just caressed.  Another look back at Nick was met with another blank stare, his thirst aching to be quenched.  I'll just wipe it off real quick with my shirt, I thought.  No biggie.

So, there we sat.  Enjoying our delicious coconuts.  Well, he was enjoying his, but all I kept envisioning was bacteria from those stubby little hands engulfing my stomach.  I had heard so much about how common it was to get a parasite in this country.  I was just about convinced that I was swallowing one up right there and then.  I quickly finished mine and patiently waited for Nick to finish his.  He enjoyed every second of it, his dirty, long, thin fingers wrapped around the straw.  I was anxiously waiting for this all to be over.

But little did I know, this was only the beginning.  Nick finished sipping his coconut and handed it back to the man.  Next thing I knew, the man began cutting into the coconut shell, one precise cut at a time.  "What is he doing?" I asked Nick.  "I want to eat the actual coconut.  It's the best part." Nick replied.  I couldn't really believe what was happening.  I was obviously impressed by the coconut man's cutting skills, but he was cutting the coconut with a freakin' dirty-ass machete.  And as he got closer to the inside, my eyes got bigger and bigger.

Before I knew it, the entire shell was gone and all you could see was the beautiful, white fruit.  He put down his big, filthy knife, and handed the unprotected, pretty fruit to Nick with his fat little fingers.  "He is NOT going to eat that?!"  I yelled in my mind.  Not only did he eat it, but he used his own blackened fingers to rip the fruit apart before inserting it into his mouth.  I was trying so hard not to let him see how appalled I was.  He looked at me with that silly grin on his face and told me to give mine to the man so that I could join him in this bliss.  I looked right at him and said, "I don't think I'm ready for this."  At first he didn't understand, but soon began chuckling to himself.  Where the hell am I?!  I thought.  He's not from here and this is okay with him?

After he ate half of the fruit, he licked a few of his fingers.  I was getting nauseous at this point. "Time to get going again," he said.  I was more than ready to get out of there.  We thanked the nice man and started back up the hill towards the market.

With half the fruit still dangling from his fingers, he looked at me with a smile and said, "Dude, I can't finish this, you want the rest?"   I laughed as he realized how disgusted I was.  A few moments later, two boys came running past us.  "I'm gonna offer this to them" he said.  "What?  They're definitely not going to take it from you," I told him.  Unfazed by my comment, he walked back and offered the last precious pieces of the coconut to these boys.  To my amazement, their faces lit up, as they grabbed it out of his hand and began playfully fighting for it.  I stood there... stunned.  What I had found utterly appalling, they saw as a beautiful, delicious piece of fruit.  My disgust was their miracle.

Letting Go of Resistance

The last two weeks on the Mystical Yoga Farm have opened my heart and ears to the sounds and beauty in nature.  But sometimes the beauty was hidden under a less than appealing exterior, filled with challenges and inner chaos. 

I tend to jump into things, not worry about the challenges I might have to face, and then wonder what the heck I was thinking when I finally face the challenges.  This experience started the very same way they always do, with a good dose of "what have you gotten yourself into now, Korken!"

For whatever reason, I thought the transition from city life to farm life would be smooth.  Piece of cake, really.  I mean, I've always loved the idea of living 'off the grid' and on a farm!  Boy, did I underestimate how different it would be.  The first three days I was taken way outside of my comfort zone.  Let me paint the picture for you. 

There's only one place where you can get electricity and if there are clouds in the sky, you can forget having any connection to the outside world, as the internet is less than reliable.  There are three, yes THREE, mirrors on the entire farm, and none of them are larger than my hand.  Laundry is done by hand here unless you want to spend 3-4 hours taking it to town, which involves calling a small boat to come get you off the secluded farm and take you into the closest city, Santiago.  There you have to hope the lady who runs the one laundromat will actually remember to put your clothes in the washer.  She tells you come back in two hours and when you come back, the place is closed and you will have to come back tomorrow. 

 So, I guess I chose the lesser of the two evils and decided to wash my clothes by hand.  You fill up a large bucket with water and throw in some detergent.  Then your hands become the washer.  Swirling, pounding, and turning the clothes around over and over again to get the dirt off of them.  But the best part (sarcasm intended) is having to rinse them.  After about three cycles of rinsing and STILL seeing soap suds come out of your clothes, you eventually accept that it won't be perfect and wring the water out, so you can dry them.  And here's the funny thing, it takes some of your clothes an entire day to dry on the clothes line AND it rains almost every day here.  Sometimes the winds are so strong that it doesn't matter if your clothes line is sheltered under a roof, because your clothes will get wet again.  If this happens more than once, you basically have to wash them again because they stink!  

Speaking of stinking...I haven't flushed a toilet in two weeks!  That's because we use a fancy, shmancy compost toilet on the farm.  Basically you lift the wooden cover off a hole in a piece of wood, you bring down the toilet seat and next thing you know you are dropping the Cosby kids off at the local pool.  But wait, this isn't a pool, it's just a really muddy playground.  Mistake number 1, pointing my head light into the hole.  I highly advise you NOT to do this.  You will never get the picture out of your mind.  To top it all off, you get to use biodegradable toilet paper to finish the job!  For those of you who've never used it, it's not exactly the strongest, most durable toilet paper.  And I'll spare you all the details of my bowel movements, but let's just say constipation has not been an issue whatsoever.  :-)

Is the picture getting clearer yet?  For those of you who have been out in nature for most of your life and done lots of camping, I'm sure you're like, what's the big deal?  But for a city boy who has lived in Philadelphia, Miami, and LA all his life, it is quite a shock to the system.  

A few more challenges:  we don't have a refrigerator so our leftovers are left in a tupperware container on the counter over night.  Who knew half the things we keep cold in the US, don't actually need to be kept cold!  Most everyone here walks around barefoot in most parts of the farm.  Going to bed with dirty feet or socks is also common.  Dirt under your fingernails?  So common!  Especially if you do things like digging holes, building a chicken coup, planting seeds, clearing wet, muddy pieces of wood that have all kinds of insects over it.  Yeah... no gloves people, unless you want to look like a prissy boy from LA, which I'm sure people labeled me as for the first week I was here.  

But eventually you give in to it all.  You have to, especially  if you're staying here for months like I am.  You watch how other people around you are coping and not making a big deal out of things and you wonder why it is so difficult and appalling to you to do the same.  It's all about upbringing and what you're used to.  So, I had to look past all the dirt, showers every other day, the lack of amenities, and the fact that I would have to live with a constant barrage of mosquito bites everyday (they are merciless and everywhere!).  Nothing like being awakened in the middle of the night by a startling scream from a jungle animal and then being greeted by bed bugs and the buzzing of mosquitos in your ears.  Where will they land, what will they bite?  You can't even see them because it's pitch dark!  But eventually you just accept it and find yourself smiling and being grateful for all that you DO have, and realizing that at the end of the day "It's just dirt." (thank you Nick for that amazing revelation).  

I wake up every morning at 6 am, we meditate on the dock from 6:30-7.  Then yoga for two hours followed by breakfast.  Then it's 4-5 hours of working on the farm, doing various things, which often include food trips to Santiago, which is a story I must tell you in a future blog.  Then dinner around 5:30, Satsung/Kirtan at 7 and in bed around 9.  Yeah, this is how we used to do it before electricity and TV and other distractions kept us up well into the night.  It's kind of nice to have nature be your alarm clock in the morning.  I rise with the rising sun.  And get to bed when it's dark, mainly because there's really nothing else to do and your dead tired.  

I'm living on a self-sustained, beautiful farm, where we use solar energy for electricity, rainwater for drinking and showering, and use our waste to fertilize the land.  I'm stepping outside of myself and being of service to the earth.  I'm learning about permaculture and farming.  I'm learning about my connection to nature and how profound a spiritual practice can be and how it can totally change how you see yourself and the world.  I'm healing myself so I can be ready to help heal others later in my journey.  

It's been rough, I won't lie.  But the good has more than covered the challenges.  I kept asking myself the first few days, "Why did I come here?  Was my intuition totally off? Why am I putting myself through this?"  But as I let go and accepted my environment and adapted to it, I began to experience things that I never knew possible.  I began to really see the world and listen to the sounds and intimate messages from nature (I talk to the plants and crops, it helps them feel appreciated and loved and they grow bigger and healthier).  And I began to strip away my layers.  Take it one day at a time, I told myself.  One moment at a time.  Don't look too far ahead.  Forget the answers, just trust that you are in good hands and allow life to flow through you.  So I've thrown down my walls and resistance to the flow of life, knowing that it would take a serious illness to get me off this farm.

Bring it mosquitos!  Bring it diarrhea!  Bring it Guatemala!  Because you damn well know that I'm gonna bring it!

PS:  For more pics, visit my facebook page.

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10100102329452857.2452771.10600138

BREAKING THROUGH THE NOISE

Thank you to my friends who have inspired this new post.  :-)


Marianne Williamson writes that, "as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same."  I hope my light may ignite your own lights to shine down the path of least resistance and joy.  But before that happens, we must get through all the noise that keeps us from following that path.  The noise is caused by our fears, which are simply false beliefs that we have about our world and about ourselves.


Our intuition/inner voice speaks to us everyday.  And most of the time the message goes in one ear and out the other.  But that is to be expected.  So our clever voice must find other ways to communicate with us.  Often times it's through other people, through physical ailments, or through events that happen in our lives.  Sometimes the noise is so loud in our minds that it takes a huge event to shake us and get us to listen.


Many of us get these messages, but we're too afraid to listen.  The sacrifice and change seems unbearable, almost impossible to handle.  Take me for example.  Here I am in LA pursuing my acting career full force.  I'm inspired, passionate, and love the pursuit.  I'm even enjoying the journey to my goals of being a series regular on a primetime drama or being the top actor in films.  Believe me, I was happy for the most part.  But for most of us, we live our lives thinking we must make do with what we have.  Feeling stuck, whether it's financially or by obligation (children, marriage, sick family member, needing to accomplish what we set out to do, etc).   We have been so trained to rely only on what we can see and what others tell us we should see and find important, that most of us will never be able to follow the path laid out by our intuitions, because we believe that the sacrifice would absolutely ruin us or peg us as failures.  It seems so daunting, so difficult, but in truth, it's the easiest, most fulfilling path, because it is our calling.


I've known for quite some time now that my path might lead elsewhere.  But I didn't really understand it or want to hear it.  I was content with doing what I love to do, even if it meant not feeling totally fulfilled at times with my life.  I knew hurdles existed and was willing to wait them out or jump over them to get where I wanted to be.  But I was fighting a losing battle, because I was trying to jump over the wrong hurdles, ones that didn't move or were impossible to get through.   Sometimes in order to get through an obstacle you must take another path.  And perhaps that path will lead you right back 'here' with a new perspective and plenty of new ideas and ways to overcome that obstacle- skills and experiences that you didn't have when you first started.


Take for example the boy in The Alchemist.  What he went through on his journey!  Only to find that the treasure he'd been looking for from the beginning had been in the exact place where he began his journey.  But in order to see it and find it, he had to first experience the journey.  But he never led the way.  His mind never led the way.  What led the way was his intuition.  At one point the boy trusted his intuition to such an extent, that he was willing to do anything and make huge sacrifices to follow the path it laid out for him.


But that's the most difficult part for all of us- letting go of our fears and limitations- breaking through the noise.   What really helped me to overcome the noise was to sit in a quiet place and ask myself... am i really happy? And if you're asking yourself that question, you already know the answer is no. And the next question is simply, if this was all really just a dream and none of it really mattered, what would I be most happiest doing? Forget reality, forget money, forget what your friends and family want. Forget all your limitations, obligations, and unfulfilling personal goals.  If none of this shit mattered, what would make you most happy?  


And the most beautiful thing about it, is that you don't need to know the answer to that question.  You only need to be willing to seek it out.  And to be willing means letting go of what you think your life is... who you think you are.   Taking that leap of faith.  I have no idea where this path is taking me.  I don't have a single answer at this point.  I'm hoping it eventually leads me back to acting, but I've accepted that it might not.  That is my ultimate sacrifice and it was very difficult to let it go.  But I know that I can give so much more to this world when I'm fully immersed in my light.  And only my inner voice knows how to get me there.  


We all know what the very next step is for us.  We've gotten the message.  But what keeps us from taking that step is not knowing what the step after it will be and the step after that and so on... But I'm gonna let you in on a little secret:  you don't have to even know what the second step is.  You won't know.  Not until you take the first step.  And you can only take it if you trust that whatever is leading you down this path will be there to catch you when you take your courageous leap.  I promise you it will be there.  I promise you it will be incredible.  I promise you, you will never regret it.  


If you yearn everyday to run into the wilderness and live a richer, more spiritually fulfilling life without the vanity, ego and frustration you normally face, then do it!  If you would love to quit your 9-5 job in a cubicle, move to New Orleans with your sax and create jazz music every night at a hole in the wall bar, then do it!  If you are in a miserable relationship, trying to make ends meet with three jobs and have been contemplating making a move to the midwest to start your own farm, then do it!  


You don't need to know how you're going to do it, you just need to know what the first step is.  Maybe it's a divorce, maybe it's quitting your job, maybe it's asking that girl out you've been eyeing for the last 3 years.  Whatever has been tugging at your heart strings is that first step.  And once you take that first step, the next one will be revealed to you. 


It's time to live, my friends.  It's time to stop settling.  It's time to know our worth and stand in our light.  Because your time here is running out every second you wait.  Now is the time to make that move.  Not later, not tomorrow, not when you have the money and accomplishments.  NOW.  And there's only one thing you will ever need.  Trust.