Enlightenment is not at the End

This blog has been pretty quiet lately, but for good reason.  As this current journey comes to an early end, I will do my best to express this elusive, final piece of this puzzle that gracefully presented its silly self to me a couple days ago.  But before one even goes into that it is important to touch on the other small pieces that led to the unexpected "blowing-up" of this little puzzle.

As the final stopping point on this journey, India has lived up to all the hype.  I could go into the ups and down, the joys and frustrations, the likes and dislikes, but I would rather spend your precious time on something that has touched my little heart so gently and lovingly that sharing it with you makes me very anxious, indeed.   

Let me first say that I do not consider myself an authority figure on any of this nor do I hope you will agree with me and pat me on the back.  In fact, please don't, but rather just be open to allowing what I am about to share to softly pierce your gentle hearts and allow you to question a few things in your life, in how you see the world, how you see yourself in this world.  And although it may seem that my tone is harsh and a bit judgmental at times, please know that I respect all views on life and only wish to share some insight that may or may not be helpful to you.  In other words, take it with a tiny grain of salt.  With that said, here it goes.

I came on this journey to get back to my roots in Armenia, to see the pyramids and ancient tombs in Egypt, to learn Thai massage in Thailand, to find some answers and guidance in India, and the list goes on and on.  In truth, these were sort of the known stepping stones of the trip and I left the rest to my inner guidance, my heart to lead the way.  And it did.  But this final message to you is not about this 'following of one's heart' business, because that has been covered ad nauseam in these pages.  I would like to take you deeper than that, with a little humor thrown in the mix.  

In India, many people see the West as being tied down to material things, running after power, control, money, status, and so forth.  And to some extent they have good reason to think this way.  But as I traveled from one part of the world to another, I encountered the deep roots of many religions, such as Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam, and all the other wonderful sects and divisions.  And most spiritual people in these countries have renounced the physical world, live very simply (sometimes in caves), some are celibate, others fast for weeks, but most find their safety and security in some form of religious ritual or ceremony.  The Christians cross themselves and run to church every Sunday so Jesus will wash away their naughty sins, the Muslims get on their knees up to 5 times a day and pray that Allah will save their souls, the serious Jews carry their Torah around and rock back and forth in their cute little outfits, the Buddhists kneel down to elaborate and expensively made statues of Buddha, and the Hindus pray to their many deities, paint their foreheads in rich colors and chant mantras.  

But what I found to be fundamentally hypocritical across the board is that although these people of many faiths looked down on the secular, western way of living, they were chasing after something very similar.  The West may chase after material things for their security, but the religious world chases after psychological security and safety.  They run to their churches, synagogues, and temples.  They chant their mantras, take communion, and believe in this savior or the other to bring them into union with this fearful, judging, supreme being most of us like to call God.  They believe that through all this ceremony, praying, and thoughtless ritual for the sake of ritual, that they will some day attain some sort of holy status and sit on some throne in some magical place called Heaven with 72 virgins, a Lamb, or some really cool dude named Shiva.  

But they are still searching, seeking, wanting to attain or become something better or holier or purer.  They run after these things called Nirvana, Enlightenment, the rise of Kundalini, or the Mysteries and make that their quest.  Some live in caves and isolate themselves from the rest of the world thinking that suppressing their natural, innate instincts is going to help lead them to glory.  Even the buddhists, who understand the teachings of Buddha and this whole idea of dissolving the self into the Ocean of Life, run around these monasteries carrying titles and bowing down to their superiors and praising the statues of an enlightened man who would be shaking his head in frustration if he was still 'in body'.  

After staying in a monastery for a week, I had to wonder how the monks would ever shed their individuality this way.  I sat with them for hours chanting, meditating, and taking part in all their rituals.  But it was very clear to me that although these men were living in this peaceful isolation, they were still suffering the agonies of chasing after something, of becoming pure and holy enough to be awarded with some Worldly Revelation- that elusive 'Ah-ha' moment when everything just makes sense and you feel this overwhelming freedom.  

So what I am trying to say is that man, no matter where he lives in this world or what he deems important to his life, is still suffering, in pain, and searching for somebody or some method that will finally set him free from all this.  We turn to our gurus, our priests, our doctors, our therapists, our rabbis, our spouses, or bank accounts for answers and comfort.  We think that if we earn a certain amount of money each year, find our long lost soulmate, win some award, raise a nice family, or land this big role with some big named star on some big budget movie that this will end all our suffering.   We think that if we pray, fast, run to a cave, chant mantras, do endless yoga poses, or meditate for hours a day or have faith in a savior that we will find happiness or some form of freedom.  

But freedom and enlightenment cannot be touched by searching for them.  Our suffering will never end as long as desire breeds in our hearts and minds.  I came to India looking for answers and only found men running around calling themselves gurus and using their holy status to get money from lost, searching souls who had no patience or courage to find the answers in the one place they could be found.  You see, you don't have to go to India, or read some holy or spiritual book, TRY to be in the present all the time, or follow some guru to see the truth.  The only way to live the truth is to look inside and realize what is the very source of your suffering- your thoughts.  

Desire comes from thought and thought is a product of time.  And time is limited to space, to form.  And freedom is not limited to time or space.  It is intangible, formless, unexpressable in words.  So in order to 'find' the truth (freedom) one must go beyond thought, beyond the mind, because the mind is stuck in time and cannot bring you to it.  And I am not talking about sitting and meditating all day to quiet your mind, because that alone will never bring you to the truth.  The only way to enlightenment is two fold... one must be completely unselfish (humble) and have a silently aware mind.

There is no method or way to get there.  Because any method will only breed the desire of wanting to achieve that state of bliss.  You see what I am getting at?  It is like chasing after this Kundalini energy, hoping that twisting and turning your body and perfect control of breath will lead you to this state of nirvana.  Nothing will help you find it, because it can never be found through search.  Only those with a pure heart will ever find freedom.  There is NOTHING you need to do to get there.  All you need to understand is that you are not who you 'think' you are.  You are not this self, this ego, this individual with its own needs and desires.  You are the whole enchilada.  This is what the sages mean by "know thyself."  Know what you truly are.  

There is no supreme being sitting on some golden throne in the sky.  This God, this everything, is within you.  It is you and you are it.  You are Everything.  That is what Jesus wanted to get through to us-You are the Son of Man - the savior sent to save the world (the Messiah).  We all are.  But let that get to your head and you lose that divine potential within you, that spark that lies dormant in most of us.   Humility is the ultimate key, because the higher energies (the Light) can only work through you if you are completely transparent, empty.  

And funnily enough, this concept of being the Son of Man is blasphemous to  most Christians because we are so afraid of the greatness within us, the Christ or God within us.  We see ourselves as these lowly, sinful souls that would be lucky to touch the feet of Jesus the man.  If one really sits down and reads the Gospels, it will be quite clear that this was the only message they were trying to convey.  But does anyone do that? No, we go to church and let some holy man stand up before us and interpret the messages for us.  Read John, read Paul's letters at the end of the New Testament.  The Bible is speaking the truth if you can "see" past its literal meanings.  Read the Torah, the Quran, the Bhagavad Gita, the Tao te Ching, the teachings of Buddha, or A Course in Miracles. They are all saying the same thing.  

Once this is fully realized and not just some nice little ideal we pin onto our fancy affirmations board, there is nothing else we need to do or know.  And the quest for greatness, answers, purpose, money, fame, recognition, or nirvana becomes obsolete.  None of it matters anymore.  And we begin to see that only Love exists in this world and beyond it.

And this is Heaven.  It is not a place, it is a state of being.  It is the truth.  And it is not outside of us.  Heaven is inside of us, right now, waiting patiently for us to walk out of our own prison and into freedom, to awaken the sleeping "serpent", the solar perfection, within us.   (the hidden message behind the Matrix movies).

And then we can truly experience the meaning of the phrase "We are One."  Because no matter what field we specialize in, no matter what our passions are, we will be using these gifts to help everyone, to help the evolution of mankind, to help the evolution of our universe.

But first we need humility.  A wonderful friend recently said, "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less." It is important that we use our discernment in every moment to know where to draw the line.  (The man who gives and gives and gives and forgets to love himself, is more foolish than the man who doesn't give at all. )We must first forget our 'selves' (our ego selves) in order to complete our mission.  If one has humility, then one can find the elusive, transformative key within- the key of Mercy.  Without mercy, there can be no understanding.

Enlightenment does not come at the end, it comes at the beginning.  It is right there.  If we stop searching, stop fearing, stop doing everything, we will see it.  But he who thinks he is free, is not free.  He who thinks he understands, does not understand.  He who thinks he knows, does not know.  

 This may be frustrating, you may be confused, you may be cursing me right now.  This is normal.
It is the simplicity of it all that will drive our conditioned minds crazy.  Let me put it a bit more simply.

 When we give up all purpose in life, we will awaken the sleeping giant within us and we will do many wonderful things with it as our ultimate guide.  And we will not care if anyone ever knows that we did these wonderful things.

To have the grace of being in this state of mind is to be free.

I leave you with this.  

'A truly good man is not aware of his goodness,

And is therefore good.

A foolish man tries to be good,

And is therefore not good.

A truly good man does nothing, Yet leaves nothing undone.

A foolish man is always doing, Yet much remains to be done.'

---Tao te Ching

10 Days of Illuminating Darkness

Darkness has a bad rep.  Most of us look at the color black and see nothing useful or pleasant about its essence.  We usually think of evil, fear, hatred, and loneliness as we peer down a dark alley or sit in an unlit room.  As a kid, I used to put my younger sister in a bathroom, turn off the lights, close the door shut, and yell Bloody Mary.  She loved it, of course.  But why is it that when we can't see what is in front of us, we suddenly panic and think we are in great danger?  Why is the darkness so forboding in our minds?  It was this very question that sparked my curiousity enough to convince myself that spending 10 days in total darkness was a great idea.  Little did I know what awaited me in the nothingness.

Now, most of us can't really wrap our brains around being in darkness for 10 days, so just think about what it feels like to be blind folded.  Now extend that experience to 240 hours of seeing nothing with your eyes.  Easy right?  For me, the first three days were just that...easy.   They flew by, while I practiced yoga, meditation, and pranayama; ate great  food, and slept a whole lot.  But soon my body's chemical make-up began to drastically change and my mind began one of the greatest wars against me.

But before I get into that, let me just say that if you are going to go into a retreat like this, it is incredibly important that you have a reliable and understanding facilitator.   This wonderful person brings you your food, cleans up if things need cleaning up, and listens if you need to talk to someone.  I was blessed to have an incredibly giving woman, who was very patient and loving, especially during the times that I really struggled mentally, emotionally, and physically.  Let me paint the picture of these struggles for you before I get to the good stuff.

Every dark room is different but this one seemed custom-made to force me to get through my biggest mental challenges.  First off, it is important to know where everything is before you turn off that light.  There is no turning it back on to find things, and many times I became frustrated with misplacing things, tripping over my own feet, and really having to do things for myself through blind eyes.  That, within itself, is a great lesson not so easily learned.

The room had no toilet or shower.  I had a separate pee bucket and pooped in a compost bucket, which was nicely placed under a wooden contraption that you sat on.  Each one had a top that would help keep the room odorless, but the increased sharpness of my sense of smell never seemed to jive with the moments when I had to remove the top to these buckets.  And God forbid if your aim was to miss these buckets, because only your sense of touch could guide you to your 'fallen friends .' Believe me, it wasn't pretty.   And when I got a parasite on Day 4 (very normal in Guatemala), I was visiting the poo factory 3 or 4 times a day.  Nothing I ate wanted to stay inside of me, and every time I opened the bucket, my mind would scream, 'Let's get the hell out of here you arrogant piece of $·$**%!'  But, no no, I was not going to allow ANYTHING to force me out.  And the challenges kept coming.

The shower was a large bucket that you stood in.  Then you would pull this hula hoop off the wall that had a shower curtain wrapped around it and you would put the hoop over your head.  Once the curtain was totally around you, you would stick the bottom of the curtain inside the bucket to make sure no water spilled out.  Above you was this solar heated, water container that had a small spout.  The trouble was if you were standing in the bucket, this container thing would be pressing against your face and  almost daring you to try to keep your balance, which was not so easy in the dark (with your eyes practically closed).  So I'd have to squat in the bucket to make sure I never ran the risk of falling outside the bucket and taking the whole little contraption crashing down to the floor with me.  Needless to say, I did not shower everyday. 

 I remember wailing in grief to the heavens one night for what seemed like an eternity and really had no idea why I was crying so hard.  It felt like these deep layers of fear and pain were being released from my body, much like the first time I did a cacao ceremony months before.  But at the end of all the sorrow and pain, I felt a much deeper connection not only to myself but to my higher power.

As I laid down on my yoga mat one night, a little friend of mine wrapped itself around my neck and stung me.  I am pretty certain it was a scorpion but will never know, because  not even that forced me to turn the light on or run screaming from the room.  There was this one fly that kept buzzing around my head all day and sometimes would come down and bite me.  Very strange.  I called it the Lord of the Flies.  There was also this strange, creepy noise that would come from one corner of the room.  It sounded like a small, baby dragon trying to scare off some predator.  I still have no idea where it came from.   

By Day 4, I had intense diarrea, a pounding headache, and every time I tried to move my body,  I ended up right back on my bed because moving became rather unpleasant. I was forced to slow down and do nothing most of the day & night and really had  no idea what time it was.  My mind kept attacking me and begging me to let us out of the room.  And most of the time I had to find the humor in the whole situtaion to overcome my mind's onslaught of negative thoughts and somehow keep my peace & sanity.

This continued through Day 7, and although the diarrea hadn't yet ended, something was released in my mind that completely began to take this experience in a whole new direction.  Some call it DMT, but I honestly have no idea what it was, but know it was my saving grace that made the whole experience well worth it in retrospect.  As a side note, most people only do 3 day retreats, because our minds and bodies are not prepared to handle the challenges that accompany a longer stay in the darkness.  Many yogis train their minds and bodies for such an experience many months & years ahead of time.  Perhaps I should have looked into this more before boldly throwing myself into the darkness for so long, but honestly, I have no regrets about the decision.

Now, onto the good stuff!  As you pretty much have no sensual stimulation  for so long (especially visually), your imagination begins to take you to whole new levels of thought and visualizations.  During the four days where I mostly laid on my bed or the hammock, my imagination was what saved me from my own mind.  I saw some incredible visualizations that sparked many inspiring ideas in my mind.   I had conversations with different people and so-called imaginary friends- the Pink Panther and the 7 Dwarfs became frequent visitors in my little world.

But what I began to discover was that I could either sit in this darkness and see it for what I thought it was or I could fill it in with beauty, colors, friends, you name it!  One of my favorite moments was when I  was in Willy Wonka's Chocolote Factory and began dancing with the Oompa-Loompas and singing their little song.  I felt like a child again, free to believe what I wanted and free to create my own reality.

And then it hit me.   I had forgotten this inner power somehow.  I had spent so many years of my life trusting and only relying on my senses that I forgot that there is a great big world beyond them.  A world that we can create.  A world that is just as real as the one we think is the real world.  I began to ask myself, 'What is truly real?'  And I had found my answer one day during lunch with  Happy, Sneezy, Doc, and the rest of those adorable little men.  I yelled in great delight to Grumpy, 'I decide what is REAL.  I have total control over my reality!' And for the first time, Grumpy smiled at me and nodded his head.

It felt like I had just released a great big bag of bowling balls off my shoulders.  Like Peter Pan, I was free to fly.  But deep down inside I knew none of this would matter if I didn´t take this with me into the light.  It's one thing being in the nurturing darkness of acceptance, without limitations, but it is a whole other thing  bringing this freedom to the light, where your senses and the world around you try to remind you that none of it is real.  That it is all just a figment of our deceptive imagination.  And this is what we tell our children, robbing them of the greatest gift we have all been given.

There's this story of a young boy.  His parents have just brought home his newborn baby brother and are a bit worried about how he will react to this new addition to the family.  And that same night, the young boy makes his way to his baby brother's room, followed closely behind by his mother, who quietly waits and listens outside of the room.  The boy leans over his brother's crib and whispers, 'Tell me about where we come from, because I'm starting to forget.'  Indeed, the older we get, the more we forget our greatest gifts, the more we forget our perfection and ability to create everything in our lives.  The darkness reminded me of  this, and I can't express how grateful I am for this priceless reminder.

The scorpion became my greatest ally and friend Scorpo.  The Lord of the Flies became my little, fairy friend who would give me advice and whisper sweet messages into my ear.  Everything that bothered me in the beginning began to transform into pleasantry, and it all was made possible by my strong belief that I was the Master of my Creative Kingdom.

I felt so many moments of great peace and calmess as I sat in the darkness those last few days.  I began to feel at home, almost like I was back in my mother's womb, protected, safe, and unconditionally loved.  I had entered the room as young Simba and was ready to go back into the world as a grown lion, with a whole new perspective, ready to help bring salvation to my great, big family through the wisdom & peace of the darkness.

And as I opened the door at the end of the 10th day and walked back out into this great beautiful world, I realized it had forever changed in my eyes.  Yes, I was extremely grateful to be able to see all the colors, plants, and incredible sights all around me, but it was the eyes of my heart that really brought me to my knees in one of the most unforgettable moments of pure bliss, happiness, and immense gratitude I had ever experienced.  

For the blackness taught me to walk through my life with integrity and love, to walk with impeccability beating through my heart, to trust in the invisible world around me.  It taught me to look at the world in every given moment through the vision of the wisest pair of eyes this world has to offer: the innocent, pure, loving eyes of a child.                                                                

 

Life's Ladder of Unquenchable Desire

5 Months have quietly passed by since the last time I wrote- jumping from one silence retreat to another, spending 10 days alone in a pitch dark room, and making best friends with a Tree, whose delicious fruits give man immortal life.  At this point, most of you are wondering if you should even read the rest of this post.  Dark rooms? Silence retreats?  Imaginary Trees?!  Certainly I have lost my mind and entered the twilight zone.  My friends, you are absoluletly right!  But like every truth this silly universe of ours has to offer, this statement is only half the truth.  What does it mean to lose one's mind or enter the twilight zone anyway?  Could this actually be a 'good thing?'  Give me a few more minutes of your time, as I attempt to give you a glimpse of the bliss that exists beyond this heavily-veiled illusion we like to call our life. 

Before I dive into all this, perhaps I should give you a bit of background on how I began to lose my mind.  Just a few short months ago, I began the study of the Kabbalah and the Tree of Life (whose proper study includes a number of other systems, which need not be mentioned at this time).  In a simple nutshell, study and meditation on the Tree of Life is meant to raise your consciousness, to give you a different perspective on our existence, to bring light to the mysteries of how this crazy, little world of ours was created and continues to be created.  

But I am not here to praise the Kabbalah or the Tree, nor will I bore you with the details of every lesson I learned along the way.  Because the truth is that no matter what words I use, it is merely impossible to transfer the understanding and experience of this journey through language.  Therefore, my purpose in this short time is to attempt to share my understanding with you in a way that might plant a tiny seed in your heart.  And it is my greatest hope that this little, bitty seed may grow into the most beautiful tree the world has ever seen inside of you.

But enough chit chat, let us begin this adventure.  Without further ado....Ladies and Gents, I give you Life's Ladder of Unquenchable Desire.  

I'd like for you to picture this ladder... it has its roots in the Earth and soars up through the clouds and way way way beyond our limited vision.  It doesn't matter what color the ladder is or what it looks like.  Now, go ahead and place 99.99999999999% of the world's population on this ladder (you may need to make it a tiny bit bigger).  This is the ladder of desire, but not just any kind of desire...insatiable desire.  The type of desire that only leads to more desire and more desire.. and.. you get my point.   Picture yourself somewhere on this ladder.  People are climbing over you, stepping on you, clawing at you, while you equally return the favor to others.  The temperature and air pressure rise as you get higher and higher from the Earth's surface.  You're not exactly sure why you continue to climb, but you have this unquestionable certainty that when you get to the top of this thing, you will experience the greatest happiness and have everything you ever wanted in life.

But the one thing we are shockingly blind to is the fact that this ladder is the universe's greatest joke.  Because not only does this tireless climb lead us further from our happiness but it also has no end.  I need to repeat this... the ladder is infinite... there is no top to it!  No matter how much we attain or accomplish in this life, we will ALWAYS want to get to the next rung.  There will ALWAYS be someone who has done a little more than we have or is just a little more talented or has a tiny fraction more than us.  And we will feel this need to continue to climb until no one is below us---until our sacred little toes are stuffed in the mouth of the person in 2nd place.  And at that very moment we will be satisfied... we will have everything we want... we will be the happiest we have ever been... and we will be remembered and revered for climbing so high forever and ever and ever.

'If I could just sell one more house... if I could just win one more academy award...if I could just be the CEO...if I could just get married and have the three children I was meant to have... if I could just find my soulmate... if I could just get my PHD so people would respect my ideas...if I could just have a little more than I have!  THEN, I will be satisfied... shit, I'm running out of time!'  

We are so focused on getting and attaining things in this life that we miss the whole purpose.  Who is it we really want to BE?!  And why do we really want all this?  And how is attaining it making the world a little bit better than it was when you first arrived on it?  Wait... the world?  What does the world have to do with any of this?  Hello?!  You really think you were 'sent' here to pop out babies, attend college so you can be thousands of dollars in debt, work in a cubicle 8 hours a day, earn recognition for your work, buy the car of your dreams, and then lay on your death bed as you finally realize you could have done it all differently?

I know, that's really depressing, but why must we wait until the 11th hour to discover that our little feet were put on this Earth for a reason that goes beyond everything we find important.  Who do you want to BE?  What do you really want to experience? And how can you bring those two together to really make a positive impact in the world?

I need to take a step back and give you some examples here.   Wouldn't you think that someone like Michael Jackson would have been happy?  After all the albums he sold, the worldwide recognition, the awards, the money... the world at his fingertips.  I wasn't kidding when I said the higher you climb, the more pressure you feel and the lonlier it gets.  Michael Jackson was one of the most ambitious people the world had ever seen, and yes, he made some huge, positive impacts on the world, but at what expense?

He felt that he had to change everything about himself so the world would love him.  But no change was ever enough, no amount of success was enough.  And at one point we grow so tired of climbing, that we let go, and fall to our seeming deaths.  Michael Jackson, I reckon, was one of the most unhappiest people in the world when he died.  And believe me, none of what he had accomplished in his life, could possibly have saved him from the shambles of his inner life.

MJ is an extreme example, but you see the microcosm in many people's lives.  The ballet dancer in the movie 'Black Swan' that would go so far as to sacrifice her own life to have that one moment of pure love and adoration screaming from the audience, as she took her final bow.  How far we will go to earn love and acceptance- not only from others but more importantly from ourselves- how much more money must we earn to feel worthy---how many more things must we own to feel rich, safe and secure? 

We feel we are nobodies for the majority of our life and with every rung we climb to help fill that void, we can never quite find the missing piece... the saving grace.  Many of us grow weary of climbing and just stop at one point and go through the motions of life.  The teacher with great potential and passion that has grown resentful and forgotten why he began to teach in the first place.  The psychiatrist who has lost his way and become second fiddle to tiny, white illusions that numb our pain. The once famous entertainer that drinks herself to sleep every night, wishing she could get one more moment in the limelight.  The gay church leader who has sacrificed his own happiness and identity to make a very good living in a place that would immediately turn its back on him if the truth surfaced.  The truth!  The truth.  Why, this is our saving grace.

If we could just walk in our truth in every moment of our lives, we could have the faith to let go of this illusory ladder and all it promises us and fall, gracefully and happily,  into the white net waiting for us at the bottom.  Where we could walk freely and comfortably upon the heart of our mother earth.  Where we could use our passions and gifts to melt into the ONE path that brings lasting happiness not only to ourselves but to every single thing that we touch. We all experience this path differently but instead of separating ourselves from each other, we cannot help to see ourselves in the eyes of everyone that walks with us.  I'm not suggesting that you forget your individuality and become a monk.  Rather, I'm simply suggesting that you walk in your truth and live your life with integrity.  What do I mean by this?

I mean not being a slave to your environment, to the material/physical world, to your endless desires.  If you are an actor and believe a certain company serves food that has brought a lot of suffering to the world, then why would you be a face in their commercial, even if they offered you 3 million dollars?  Why not focus on projects that actually use your acting talents to bring more awareness to the world, even if the pay check and recognition wasn't as glamorous?  Why do you act?  So your face can grace the television screen in useless drivle or so you can tell stories and help better the lives of others through these stories? 

 Why would you teach at a university whose soul purpose is to grow richer and hand out results that are seemingly useless?  Why would you continue to do things in your life that harm our planet after watching a documentary that educates you on what actions we can take to help our environment?  Why should we ever do anything for only the money... or the recognition... or adoration from others?  Think about the freedom and inner strength you could find if you took these loose, heavy chains that are around your arms and legs, and threw them to the ground, spread your little wings, and flew. 

When we give ourselves this freedom, we realize there is no limit to what we can do or what we can create.  You guys, we have a huge responsiblity as to what kind of influence we put out into this world.  Every thought we have, every word that is uttered through our lips, every action we take has an incredibly lasting influence on the world around us and inside of us.  We are greatly powerful beings who could change this world in a matter of seconds if we all really woke up to the 'heaven' that is knocking at our door- the zone of twinkling twilight that exists right here on earth.  And we can experience this bliss...together.  I promise you it exists.  I am sitting in it right now.  I am breathing in its beauty and flapping my wings to the air.

You may find yourself on this ladder without a way to truly let it go-  in debt or trapped in a job so you can pay your mortgage or feed your children.  Some of us will not be able to simply let go so quickly.  There are many other options.  You just need to ask within and be open to a change in your life and suddenly you will find small glowing steps, leading you down, one step at a time, back to the path of integrity and truth, back to a path that reminds you of why you were brought here.  And this path will provide you with everything you will ever desire in the material sense (money, food, respect, love, you name it.)

And you will look up at this Ladder of Unquenchable Desire and feel deep empathy for those still blindly climbing it.  And a sense of freedom will bring water to your eyes, as you finally realize that everything you ever wanted was in a place where you least expected to find it.  And you will chuckle to yourself because you, my friend, my brother, my sister, my reflection, my one and only Self, have seemingly lost your little mind. 

Do You Have a Girlfriend?!

          It´s 5:30 AM.  The neighbor´s rooster has once again disturbed my slumber with its relentless cock-a-dooing.  My alarm is set to go off in 30 minutes, so I turn it off and decide to watch the sunrise instead.  The view from this house in the hills is breath-taking.  You can see all of Lake Atitlan and its three gorgeous volcanoes.  As the townspeople slowly make their way to open their shops, the birds sing their harmonious, morning melodies. 
     
The sun begins to crack its light just above the horizon, gently asking the darkness for its permission & blessings.  There´s something about the stillness & simplicity of this time of day that makes it so special and magical.  I thank my eyes for allowing me to witness this incredible beauty.

          My younger cat Shiva jumps on my lap and subtlety reminds me that its time to satisfy her hunger.  I don´t want to pull away from this moment just yet, so I pet her little head, hoping it may get her mind off of food for just a few more minutes.  As her tiny claws dig into my thighs, I accept that it´s time to move on.  I kiss her little head and make my way downstairs. 
          As I go to the shelf to get the cat food, I notice an all-too-familiar stench. Oh man, I forgot to let Shiva out last night before bed.  The thought of having to clean up whatever was creating that smell made me a bit nauseous and angry with myself.  But I reminded myself that there´s a reason for everything we experience throughout the day. "Try to see this differently;" I thought.  There´s beauty in everything.

          After cleaning up, I grab my towel and make my way outside, very much looking forward to a hot shower on this brisk morning.  Lying in front of the bathroom door is Brownie, one of the stray dogs that sleeps behind my house.  I named her Brownie because of the color of her fur, although I´m not quite sure if it´s her natural color or the fact that she probably hasn´t bathed in years.  She´s lost some of the fur on her back due to a skin condition.  Her kind, gentle eyes look up at me, reminding me to look beyond what my eyes are showing me and see instead with the eyes of my heart.  Her beauty is undeniable.  I pet the top of of her head and lay my other hand on her furless, bumpy skin.  I thank my heart for allowing me to ´see´and share this wonderful exchange of energy with her.  I make my way into the bathroom and turn on the shower.  No electricity.  A cold shower is better than no shower, right?
          The last three months have been a whirlwind of change for me.  I now practice full-time as a holistic healing practitioner/massage therapist, and I´m also teaching courses in these same practices that I just learned only a few months ago (or so I think).  This journey has put on an entirely different face from the journey I had planned.  And for the last two months I´ve felt guilty about this.  I was supposed to be at an orphanage right now teaching English to Guatemalan orphans and then making my way to Haiti to help with the rebuilding there.  But instead, I´m in still San Marcos helping people in a different way, while earning a pretty decent living.

          Had I stopped listening to my intuition?  Or had it led me astray?  "You´re a fraud!"  A little voice continuously yelled in my head.  And it honestly made me reluctant to blog for a while.  But fortunately I was eventually able to gain a different perspective and allow a more peaceful voice to guide me.  This voice provided three priceless pieces of wisdom: 1)  Always do what feels right   2)  See the beauty in the seeming chaos & ugliness  3) Plan only for this moment.
          I´m probably not going to make it to the orphanage or to Haiti.  My heart has asked me to stay here in San Marcos and help people through this new passion and gift I´ve rediscovered. And India seems like my next destination, but that´s not ´til June, and who knows, I may be asked to just pack it all up and go home tomorrow.  5 Year Plan?  Pfft!  I barely know what tomorrow brings.  


Plan Only For This Moment

          I still have a hard time really living into this idea, because I grew up believing that planning our lives in advance saves us a lot of hardship & anxiety and provides us with a destination/goal to keep our sights on.  Many people here have asked me what I plan to do when I get back to the States.  "Are you going to open your own clinic/practice?  Are you going back to acting?  Are you still going to live in LA?"  And I stayed up very late many nights trying to find answers to these questions and figure it all out.  And it brought me much more anxiety than it did clarity.  My worrying got so chronic that I stopped enjoying what I was doing in the very present.  I stopped enjoying life.
          And one morning I woke up at 3am and had so much anxiety about where my life was headed that I laid in my bed, wide-awake, until my alarm went off at 6am.  All the possible scenarios anxiously swam through my mind during these three wasted hours of my life, and when my alarm went off I was so upset that I yelled aloud, "I don´t fucking know!  Just leave me alone."  And just like that, I got my answer.  And I´ve slept wonderfully ever since.
          Now, when people ask me about my plans for the future, I simply and honestly tell them, "I don´t know."  Usually that satisfies most people, but for the rare unsatisfied, I write down God´s number on a piece of paper and tell them to give Him a call- he will have the answer for them.   

Always Do What Feels Right
          I´ve grown accustomed to the face of this little voice- my intuition.  It continues to lead me moment to moment and is the only reason I find myself where I am today.  I used to constantly question its guidance, especially these last few months.  Although I kept listening to my inner voice and making decision based on what felt right, it kept delaying my previous plans and taking me away from what I thought this journey was all about - 'stepping outside myself and being of service to others.'  And this made me feel very guilty.  But what I didn´t realize was that I was attaching specific limitations to 'being of service.'  I had the idea that unless I was working at an orphanage or helping people in a country like Haiti, I wasn't truly living up to the promise I made at the beginning of this trip.
          Most of us see service as a voluntary act for those much less fortunate than us.  Service has to be a big commitment to an important project that is drastically changing the lives of people.  You have to dedicate all of your time & energy to it and don´t even think about earning money while doing it.  True service is priceless and requires great sacrifices.  As I began to see the foolishness and limitations in these beliefs, I started to realize why most of us are so afraid or unwilling to help each other.  We think it has to be this great sacrifice that depletes our own abundance ('this abundance that we´ve worked so hard to obtain').
          But service is much simpler than that and often requires very little from us.  It´s taking the time to greet those you meet everyday with a genuine smile.  It´s remembering someone´s name.  It´s feeding a hungry dog or helping an old woman with her groceries.  It´s teaching a native Spanish-speaker English for an hour or showing compassion and love to a homeless person when you don´t feel at peace about giving them money that day.  It´s giving appreciation to the food we eat or showing gratitude to the flowers that grow in our gardens.  Service is simply sharing your love.  Your love can be the salvation for the rest of the world.  We don´t have to travel the world to be of service to others if that doesn't feel right.  We can be of service right where we are, during each moment of our day.  Service is not sacrifice; it is sharing our abundance in a manner that also brings us peace.
          I've had the pleasure of really making a difference in many people´s lives these last 2 months at the Holistic Centre.  Yes, I´m also earning some money in the process, which is simply icing on the cake.  Abundance comes to us in many different forms and money is just one of them.  I accept it as a wonderful gift for sharing my love & compassion with others.  But I've also treated many people, especially local Guatemalans, for free.  If it brings me joy & peace, the money is irrelevant.  By allowing abundance & love to flow freely into my life, I´m able to peacefully share it with others.  To me, this is what service is all about.

Seeing the Beauty in the Seeming Chaos & Ugliness       

          This has been by far my biggest lesson and has completely changed how I see myself and the world around me.  It all starts with faith/trust; trusting that every experience we have, every person we meet has a purpose.  And most of the time, our most challenging experiences hold the greatest gifts for improving our lives.  Have you ever noticed that when we continue to ignore our intuitions, the universe acts in a drastic manner to really force us to listen?  My friend Robin told me it took a horrible car accident to give her the strength to leave a relationship that was bringing her a lot of pain & unhappiness.  The accident was a great blessing in her life, but we don´t see the beauty in these difficult experiences until after the fact.  We usually see ourselves as the victim of a terrible accident and wonder why such bad things happen to good people.  Let us question coincidence for once!  Could it be that our lives always unfold in a way that is in our best interest?   And perhaps accepting our experiences as they are happening is the key to really reaping  the fruits of challenging experiences and unlocking the treasures that they are so willing to share with us.
            Let me give you a simple example.  There's only one internet cafe in town, which has about 5 computers and the slowest connection known to man.  One day I really needed to print something, but every time I went there all the computers were taken.  I kept coming back all day and being faced with the same challenge.  When I arrived 30 minutes before closing later that night, once again all the computers were taken.  But instead of getting angry and frustrated about it, I knew that there was a reason for this.  
          So I sat down and patiently waited.  It just so happened that this guy, who a few weeks I had told I liked him without knowing his sexual preference, was sitting at one of the computers.  We hadn't really talked since then, and it had been awkward between us every since I had been honest with him.  So he randomly turned to me and asked me if I thought my teacher Nadia would sell him this stuff called MMS this late at night.  It just so happened that I was also taking MMS.  I told him that I´d walk him to her house and see if she was up for it.  But by doing this I´d be giving up my place in line and would probably not make it back before closing.  Regardless, I went with my gut feeling and took him to Nadia's.

The Amazing Nadia

          She ended up being busy but relayed the message to me about a dinner that night, which I wouldn't have attended had I not made this trip to see her.  My good friend Motoi was leaving the next morning & would be at this dinner, so it gave me a chance to say goodbye to her.  So I told my friend that he could just have some of my MMS and that I´d bring it with me into town tomorrow.  He was very appreciative.
           He called me the next day, we made the exchange, and he asked me if I wanted to hang out with him!  Although I didn't make any assumptions or have expectations, none of it would have been possible if I hadn't trusted the 'flow of the universe' and reminded myself that every seemingly frustrating experience is just masking the incredible possibilities that exist below its rough surface.  And by the way, I went back to the cafe that night, two minutes before closing, and the cafe owner decided to stay open for another half hour, as a way of showing his appreciation for my patience.  Unbelievable, right?  Coincidence?  Yeah, right. 
          Now, besides seeing the beauty in everything around me and in all my experiences (good or bad), I began to also see my own beauty & perfection (I use the word perfection in a very non-arrogant, yet empowering way).  Although I´m at a place in my life where I've accepted all my different colors and unique qualities, I began to be aware of situations where I didn't always feel comfortable about sharing specific things about myself.  (oh yes... here comes another story my dear friends...)
          I was sitting down having dinner with two male friends of mine a couple nights ago, and the conversation shifted to relationships (doesn't it always?).  Now,  I hardly knew these two guys and as they went on and on about this girl and that girl, I became more & more uncomfortable.  You see, I was happy to talk about my 'boy issues', as well, but had made it a point long ago not to talk about my sexuality with near strangers, unless they specifically asked me about it.  So I waited for the "Do you have a girlfriend?" question... but it never came!  I just sat there, uncomfortable.  I felt like I was forced to hide something about myself in order to allow them to feel comfortable.  Why shouldn't it be okay for me to chime in about my boyfriends without it getting weird?!   Why do I need to be prompted first or to sit there uncomfortably?  And then it hit me...
           I had created my own prison.  All of this was the clever work of my own mind.  None of it was real.  And the only way to leave my self-made prison was to be completely and utterly transparent.  But this doesn't just apply to sexuality.  We often don´t share our age, weight, job status, political views, artistic preferences, etc, etc, etc, because we are either insecure about it and don´t want to be judged by others, or because we don´t want to make them feel uncomfortable with our unique views or preferences.
          But the key to leaving our own prisons and getting past our self-inflicted limitations is to embrace the elephant in the room and set it free--- to be transparent and talk freely about it with others!  Instead of seeing our uniqueness as a blemish, let us see it as a gift.  Embrace the fact that you just turned 40 and still don't have any clue where life is leading you.  Embrace that you may be out of a job, so that you can enjoy and be open to what life has in store for you instead.  Let us embrace our sexualities, our height, our weight, our likes & dislikes, and everything else that makes us who we are.  By seeing the beauty in all of our perfect, puzzle pieces, we can help remind others of their own beauty and help them look beyond the seeming chaos & ugliness in their own lives.
           I believe we all have the same purpose on this Earth- to experience the love of the world and to share that love with everyone and everything that happens to cross our path.  The chose is ours.  We can see the world only through our physical eyes, or we can experience its beauty & love by seeing it through the eyes of our hearts.

Rubbing the Dust Off My Caked Eyes

As I sit in the bedroom of my two-story tree house in San Maros La Laguna, dodging mosquito after mosquito, staring at huge clumps of daddy long legs on my walls, and spotting a stealthy scorpion slithering its tired body across the foot of my bed, I am grateful.

As I listen to the seemingly endless, amplified singing (more like torturous howling) from the Christian church down the street blasting through my paper thin, wooden windows, I am grateful.

As my kitten Shiva uses relentless meowing and constant tapping of my pen with her small head to desperately capture my attention, I am grateful.

As it sinks in that I won´t be able to see my family and friends for another year, take a hot shower, or go one night without wearing three layers, a hoodie, and winter gloves to bed, hoping that I might miraculously wake up just ONE time without some sort of bug bite, I am eternally grateful.

I just killed another mosquito and apologized to it as I gently brushed its lifeless body to the floor.  ¨"All life is precious, no matter how small or deceptively insignificant," I think to myself.  The other day I asked one of the long vines on my patio if it wouldn´t mind me moving it out of the way a few inches.  ¨"Who are you?? And what have you done with Korken," I jokingly ask myself.  I look in the mirror to make sure it´s still me, and sure enough, it is.  But as I stare at the the long , curly-haired, big-eyed face smiling back at me, I realize that I´m not at all the same.

Tears begin filling my eyelids, yet I can´t tell whether they´re tears of joy or sadness.  I haven´t seen my mother´s face in 4 months.  My 30th birthday is a few short days away, and I have no plans.  I shit in a dark hole everyday.  I take the coldest showers of my life.  I scoop ants out of my peanut butter and then help myself to two delicious spoonfuls.  I don´t leave my house after 6 pm because it´s dark, take care of four cats, sleep at 9pm, and my excitement over raw, goat cheese can last weeks!  My idea of ultimate pleasure is two scoops of pistachio ice cream every Saturday and I don´t even eat on Sundays because fasting is now so important to me... this ´man in the mirror.´

I´m training to become a holistic healer, yoga instructor, and massage therapist.  "Who are you?!!" I yell at the mysterious figure in the mirror.  It looks back at me, its eyes filled with compassion, unconditional love, and understanding.  The tears keep rolling down my face as I realize how much my life has changed... how much I have changed.  And suddenly it all becomes so clear to me, it all makes sense... these are tears of joy.

Amidst all the challenges, I am happy and following an unknown path most of us are too reluctant to take.  "What if I hadn´t listened to that little voice in my heart in July," I thought.  What if?  I began hysterically laughing as it hit me that I had created all this myself.  Through a simple thought and action, I had manifested all of it.  And everyday I was recreating who I was, throwing away all my ideas of who I thought I was and who I was yesterday.  I can be anything.  I am everything, yet nothing at the same time.  My reflection laughed back at me, relieved that I finally understood.

I have been pretty quiet on this site the last two months, mostly because I was experiencing one revelation after another and feeling reluctant to share it with the world just yet.  When your thought system is completely turned on its head, your first instinct is to tell the world about it.  But each time I sat down to write, my intuition warned me that it was too premature--that it would come across as preaching, because I was too excited about it ( I hadn´t yet allowed it to all sink in).   This was my experience, and if I´ll learned anything these last 4 months, it´s that we all need to have our own experiences to truly allow a shift in our perceptions.  I´d love to be the bridge to that experience for you, if you so choose to cross it.

But rather than explaining each concept in laborious detail, I´d like to provide a simple introduction and then suggest more sources if you choose to further explore the topic.  I don´t expect you to eat it up or even believe it.  Like I said, you can either cross the Bridge of Curiosity and find out for yourself or you can turn and walk the other way.  Many of these concepts you may have already heard of, but I will present them through my own experience.  Consider this part 1 of this continuous dialogue.  Without further ado...

We create our own reality.  Every single thing we experience, every single person that comes into our lives, is of our own creation.  Nothing is done to us.  It all begins with a single thought, turns into words, and finally ends in action.  But most of the time all it takes is a simple thought to manifest our experiences.

Every morning I wake up and literally ´create´my day.  It´s actually very simple, once you get a hang of it.  I focus on peace, pleasure, gratitude, forgiveness, and love.  Of course, just like anyone else, I experience fear, judgment, and desire.  But I´ve trained my mind to detach from these thoughts before they can have any hand in my creation.  They are merely bumps in the road now, rather than the 50-mile, treacherous dark road they used to be.  I seldom encounter conflict and live a very relaxed, peaceful life.  'How can I do this?!' You may be asking.  For me, there are 3 very simple steps, which are not so simple when you first try them.

1)  See the love and beauty in the seemingly detestable.  Train yourself to see the 'good' in everyone around you and in every situation.  This is where the concept 'we are one' comes in.  By judging or attacking your brother, you are attacking & judging yourself.  By not giving to another, you are denying yourself. 

2)  Forgive everyone and everything, especially yourself.  But I´m not talking only about past transgressions.  I´m mostly talking about forgiving something or someone in the very moment the transgression takes place.  This is sort of like shifting your perception in the moment.  For example, I had just bought a delicious bottle of grape juice this morning and as I was walking to the dock to get on the boat, a small boy asked me for a sip of my juice.  Without thinking, I handed him the bottle, and he placed his mouth over the opening and took three big gulps.  He handed the bottle back to me and graciously thanked me.  But he also had 4 friends who quickly ran over and asked for sips of my grape juice.   I couldn´t say no, so I handed them the bottle.  While they were passing it from one boy to the other, a little voice told me to let it go, to give it to them.  Instead of perceiving the grape juice being taken from me, I instead chose to see it as a wonderful gift from me to these boys.  You see, I was actually gaining more energy & love from the giving of it, as opposed to the drinking of it.  I forgave them for wanting my grape juice, rather than feeling like they need to go and buy their own. 

3)  Live in the present.  Forget what happened yesterday or even a minute ago.  The worst thing we can do to ourselves is worry about the past or the future.  The past is over and we have the power to create the future, and by worrying you are only creating exactly that situation in your future and losing out on the magnificence the present has to offer.  When I start worrying or feeling bad about a past experience, I simply find something in the present that can steal my attention away, like my cats, a tree, people walking around, the smell in the air, what it feels like to touch a certain fabric or plant, etc.  If you are trying to sleep and worrying, then the best thing to do is focus on your breath, just like in meditation.  Count each inhale and exhale and try to take deep breaths.  Soon you will be fast asleep or relaxed enough that you can detach yourself from these thoughts.

If you want to learn more about these concepts I suggest these two books.  'A Return to Love' by Marianne Williamson and 'The Power of Now´ by Eckhart Tolle.  And if you want to go even beyond these concepts, there is a great book called 'Conversations with God' by Neale Donald Walsch, which will blow your mind!

So going back to creating your own reality... I had a friend here who seemed to have a new obstacle everyday.  Someone was always wronging her, or asking too much of her, or not being honest  and open with her.  These constant negative thoughts of judgment and fear kept her in a very low vibration, which created so much conflict in her life and allowed her to experience the world exactly the way she saw it.  She not only thought these thoughts but she constantly talked about them, as well, which made it even more difficult for her to create any peace in her life.

Two weeks ago a man attacked her on a dark street and beat her up pretty badly.  She didn´t leave her house for several days, and when she finally did ALL she talked about was the attack and focused solely on her victim hood.  I wish I could have told her that it was in fact SHE who attacked herself in a subconscious attempt to bring some clarity into her life.  But I don´t think she was ready to hear that or, frankly, even wanted to.  Every person that comes into our life has a purpose, carries a lesson for us.  There are no coincidences.  Once we can embrace this concept, we can transform our lives.

Now I´m going to get a bit radical for most people´s tastes.  But I´ve been asked to present this material nonetheless.  It is very near and dear to my heart.

Here´s a thought that might upset some of you.  Your diseases, disorders, sicknesses, and ailments are a physical result of your mental and emotional imbalances.  In other words, we create our own dis-eases through our thoughts and feelings-- from a simple cold to cancer, depression, or HIV.  You can heal yourself completely without pills, without dangerous treatments like chemotherapy, without suffering.  Through proper nutrition and by finding the mental/emotional root of your ailments, you can completely cure yourself.

Go back to when you first got this dis-ease and ask yourself what was happening in your life at the time.  Who did you have conflict with?  Were you stressed out?  Were you taking care of yourself?  What was your mental/emotional state like?  Which negative thoughts and emotions were you having about yourself, about your life, about those closest to you?  Perhaps you are still harboring these emotions and memories of the past.  They are the keys to your freedom.  By healing them, you will in turn heal your body.

There´s an incredible book by Caroline Myss called 'Anatomy of the Spirit', which beautifully explains all of this in much more detail.  Another amazing book that I recommend on this subject is ´Darkside of the Light Chasers' by Debbie Ford, which I will mention again later.

After reading these two books and seeing people with debilitating diseases, like cancer and AIDS, cure themselves with my own eyes, I am inspired and passionate about helping others find that truth and healing.
Modern, western medicine helps to suppress the symptoms of disease, while natural medicine actually cures the cause.  Right now, there are actually a handful of cures for cancer and HIV floating around all over the world.  They are extremely low-costing treatments that certain people are paying a lot of money to keep them from reaching the eyes and ears of the general public.  This comes as no surprise when you see that cancer and AIDS are the biggest contributors to pharmaceutical and medical profit in the U.S. and many other countries.  Finding a cure would be a devastating blow to the financial surplus of these institutions.

Look up vitamin B17 or MMS to see what I mean.  B17 can be found in apricot kernels.  Yes, you can cure cancer by chewing on apricot kernels.  Think about what that idea would do to companies that make billions, if not trillions, of dollars every year on cancer ´treatment´.  MMS has been banned in Canada without any proper reason other than ´research´shows it can be extremely harmful to us.  I´ve used it in Guatemala a number of times to kill parasites in my body and have yet to feel any negative side effects.  It´s time to educate ourselves and stop believing everything our leaders and government tell us is true.  Let us think for ourselves and base our truth off our own experiences and not solely the experience of others.

For years we´ve been told that milk does a body good, that margarine is 10x better for you than butter, that processed foods, such as bleached flour, refined sugar, and chemically grown fruits and vegetables, won´t harm us.  But here is the ugly truth-- milk (pasteurized and homogenized, not raw) actually wreaks havoc on our digestive systems and offers minimal nutritional value (we can´t even really absorb the calcium that is supposedly so important for our bones).  Margarine and other processed vegetable oils are many times worse for our bodies than butter, and processed flour and sugar are about the worst things you can eat, because they offer no nutritional value and have lost all of their digestive enzymes, which means organs, like your enzyme-producing pancreas, over time become so overworked that they eventually lose their value and lead to diseases like cancer.

Why is heart disease and cancer the leading causes of death in the U.S. and pretty much no where else in the world?  Why are a huge % of children under 12 contracting diabetes at such a young age?  Why is the FDA not telling the American people that these foods are terrible for us and our children?  Simple.  The FDA is run by people who used to work for the dairy and food processing industries, the biggest and most profitable institutions in the US, and not surprisingly the most powerful.  University research that supports the eating of homogenized milk and processed foods is directly funded by these institutions, and most of our politicians and media are, as well.  'FDA aproved' is not a promised stamp of good quality but rather a meaningless formality that pretends to protect us and feed the pockets of those who can care less about the state of health in the world.

I´m not trying to focus on the problem here, believe me.  But it´s important that we understand all this if a solution is to be found.  But please, don´t take my word for it.  Do your own research.  There are plenty of people out there talking about this to deaf ears.  Buddha once said, 'Most of humanity have eyes that are so caked shut with the dust of deception, they will never see the truth, no matter who tries to help them.'  This goes back to thinking for ourselves.  Unfortunately, most of us would rather have someone else do the thinking and just simply tell us what to do.

If you are indeed a ´thinker for yourselfer' I highly suggest the books of Daniel Reed, most notably 'The Tao of Health, Sex, and Longevity.´ We can´t blame the government or the FDA or even these greedy institutions for our problems.  We are free to make our own choices and educate ourselves.  Did you know that while the European Union (EU) continues to ban or require labeling on foods that are subjected to irradiation and genetic modification, the US still thinks a ban is not necessary?  This is because people in EU are likely to go and burn the crops of a farmer who genetically modifies his crops.  They won´t tolerate it!  We need that same kind of passion and love for our health if we hope to change things in the US.  The first step is knowledge and the second step is spreading the knowledge.  Nobody is forcing us to buy these products and feed them to ourselves and family.

There are many other topics I want to cover, but this last one has been my biggest teacher the last 4 months.  The easiest way we can bring more love, peace, and joy into our lives is by taking note of how we judge others.  You might be thinking, ´How do these two things have any kind of connection?´ Here´s the big shocker courtesy of Debbie Ford (´Dark side of the Light Chasers´)- ´What we see/judge in others is simply a reflection of how we see ourselves.'  Here´s an example.

I have this girl who comes and cleans my house.  She´s a nice girl but lacks any common sense!  She uses my hand towel to clean the floors, dumps the dirty water down my kitchen sink and clogs it, demands that I pay her before she even works, is dishonest, and does a half-assed job at best.  These were my judgments of her.

I returned home one night a few weeks ago, to find both my clean hand towels, wet and dirty on the floor, my sink clogged yet again (no water was going down at all), and she left me a note asking me for money that I had already given her.  This pissed me off so badly, I can´t even tell you.  I was irate!  And it takes a lot to make me irate.  I spent the rest of the night thinking about how I could fire the girl that was hired by the lady I was subletting from.  Obviously that wasn´t an option, and every attempt at unclogging my sink miserably failed.

I got no sleep that night and decided to write her a nasty letter ( in my broken Spanish) telling her off.  'Why can´t I find a god damn plunger in this fuckin´city?!! I screamed to myself.  I couldn´t possibly understand how I had brought this into my life.  So I used Ms. Ford´s advice and wrote down all of my judgments about this evil, Guatemalan maid.  She´s dishonest, stupid, irrational, does a half-assed job, doesn´t listen to me, is demanding, and sucks at her job.  If we are each other´s mirrors and are supposed to get our own judgments about ourselves reflected back to us by others, then I was at a loss for words.  'I am none of those things!' I scowled in anger.  I don´t see myself that way at all.

And then one-by-one I started remembering a time when someone called me dishonest, stupid, and irrational.  Or when I thought that about myself.  I have made it a point to never be those things, because someone once made me feel bad about it, or I scolded myself with those exact adjectives.  Of course I could be dishonest, do a half-assed job, or be demanding.  These were all judgments that I had about myself subconsciously that I strive so hard to not be.  And now it was all being reflected back at me.

So I admitted to it.  I could be all these things and have been many times in my life.  I forgave her and myself and accepted this dark side of me.  Not only accepted it, I embraced the shit out of it because I knew it was the only way to heal this part of me.  ´Thank you, cleaning girl!´ I thought.  And I kid you not, at that very instant a thought popped into my head.  ´Why not try using the top of a glass jar to imitate the use of a plunger?´ That's the stupidest idea EVER!  It will never work, I thought.  But I was desperate at this point, so I went downstairs and gave it a try.  In less than a minute, my sink was unclogged and I had the cheesiest, most ridiculous smile on my face.  By embracing, accepting, and loving the shadow side of me, I no longer needed the mirror.

And now my cleaning lady, Ester, leaves me flowers and bananas, doesn´t use my hand towels to clean the floor, and never clogs my sink.  She´s actually a very smart, humble, and lovely person.  Who would have thought?!